Random

I don’t know why Im writing this in here.. I don’t know why I keep having this memories flooding my mind. Theres a reason though.. I know that much.

Last night while I lay in my comfy safe bed, thinking about life and the mistakes I had made during the day, sins I had commited, how far from good I am. My mind took a spin, a memory.. you see Ive been trying to figure out what else I can do to fix my broken pieces,.. because realistically Joshua couldn’t restore every piece of me.

Anyways, I started thinking of things that had happened in my past,.. and when I started thinking of them, I wanted to write them down.. remember them. So when it came to it.. if it ever did I could expose them. So heres the first one.

This took place somewhere in the winter of 2000, a couple months after my Mom went into the hospital, my dad was never home at night, he was either with her,.. or at a bar. (he never use to go to the bars, and if he did it was like once a year.. now he was gone every night) I sat at home a lot, 13 yrs old learning what it meant to live, learning what it meant to actually feel alone,.. for so many years I had the companionship of my mother.. now that was gone. I had this cheesy diary, the cover consisted of five gorgeous guys called the backstreet boys J. (Sometimes I wish I could find that thing) There was one night where suicide was my option.. funny how for 13 years I never even knew what suicide was and as soon as your life gets flipped over and twisted up and your bottom falls out, you all of a sudden have an understanding of it. I had written in the diary about how one night I had take a bottle of asprin, hoping to never wake up. Well I woke up, obviously, .. you see I didn’t REALLY want to die, I just wanted all the pain to go away, and I desperately wanted my mother back home. I wanted my Father home too. One day about a week after this occurance, I came home to find my father rushing me into the car, asking me what I was thinking.. blah blah blah, he had read my diary, he rushed me to the ER. I was so angry at him for reading my things, I didn’t want to talk to him.. but now that I look back I figured it all out, I know what I was really thinking.. and I know how I look at my father,.. I don’t look at him with anger anymore.. more of pity. He didn’t know anything, he took me to the ER for pete sake. It had been a week, I was FINE. Not only that but I wanted his attention, any thing even if it was him thinking I could die because of some pills I had taken the week before.

I cried last night when I had this memory.. cried because I wish all the memories were more clearer,.. especially when it comes to my father.. I think that was one of the last times his care for me really spoke. Ever since then it was anger.. or he just pushed everything under the rug… I wish I could remember him being there.. not just a phone call every other week.. a phone call I MAKE. He never calls, and he always finds a way to try and make me understand that he just doesn’t like the phone.

I don’t really have much more to say

I dont want this

So basically Im just suppose to go home and hope for the best .. May 12th Ill get on that plane and head back to a reality that I put off for 9 months and its suppose to be okay RIGHT?

I DONT WANT TO GO HOME!

I am scared of who I am and who I was. I am scared of the fact that Im weak and I have always been weak.. Id rather follow the crowd then lead them else where. Ive always been that girl. The girl who did whatever she wanted (what her friends did) I even destroyed some people along the way. I am no angel.

How do I do this? I have no faith.. how pathetic of me. Its funny how we find it so hard to actually sit down and pray.. we spend so much time trying to avoid it. I was to busy today to talk to God. Doing nothing! And then when we finally do pray.. we dont even believe what were praying about matters.

God... I am less then what I thought. I am a scared little girl who is not ready to go home .. who wants to keep running..

crazy

Its been awhile huh? Almost too long.. Im not sure if I lost my interest.. I dont know.

So do you want an update..

I changed my mind.. again.. Gosh Im so good at that.. Im so good at never following through .. haha.. Except this time isnt exactly the worst thing ever

I want to stay here at Hume now .. I want to work here.. My Hearts desire is here.. God did alot this past weekend.. and still I doubt.

Isnt it funny how as humans we dont find it natural to just pray.. Its almost hard for us to just sit down and do it.. yet when we finally do.. We find it even harder to believe.

So.. I let myself settle.. haha.. Lance. He got out of jail and we talked on the phone and all I needed was one talk to know that wasnt it. I let myself believe I could save someone else.. I could change him and bring him to God.. how crazy of me. Why am I always trying to save someone.. Why am I always trying to be an answer to someones prayers...

I feel pathetic and like a broken record saying this.. Since before I went to jail.. before that period of time I had fallen for a boy .. and tried to say in my last entry i was seeing past it.. I let Lance cloud my visions..

Basically.. theres this other guy.. This main guy.. This out of no where guy.. who I have mentioned before.. who makes my stomach turn when we talk.. we could laugh soo hard and as soon as he walks away I want to cry .. This weekend was crazy.. He appreciates me.. I guess according to him.. Ive helped him without even knowing.. I cry.. My heart aches for it. Someone like him.. Hes flawless... Hes unlike me in so many ways..

Im crazy..

((By the way.. Im GOING to Israel on Monday))

Im such a girl.. I know

Here we go again with a Sunday night week in review.. I hate doing this.. I wish I had kept up in my blog so I would more interesting things to look back on. But… you cant always get what you want.

So Im going to write about boys… is that okay lol?

As you know from my past entries there is a guy Im interested in.. but I’ve started to see past it.. I’m not in the mood to like someone who isn’t interested in me. We are good friends and I hate to say but that’s most likely all we will ever be.

Do you remember the kid I told you I saw when I was in jail.. Lance. The one I use to hang out with when I lived in Troy. Well wrote him a letter as soon as I got back to Joshua. And well… yesterday I got one back.. 6 pages long!!

I have to admit something.. I expected trash. I expected him to only be thinking about one thing.. if you know what I mean! (even though he was never like that before), I expected his letter to be short, sloppy and not make sense.. None of it was like that. I have never received a letter from a guy that was so jeez professional in a way. He has really good hand writing and his form in writing is awesome.. I understood what he was saying and felt like he was speaking it to me. He didn’t disrespect me at all, he didn’t say anything out of line.. He said the picture I sent him (yes I sent a picture) was beautiful.. not hot .. not sexy … he said beautiful.. and that was it.. he didn’t pursue that part of the letter at all. He just complimented me and moved on with other topics. He was honest. Very honest.. he told me why he was in jail (he didn’t do anything horrible so don’t worry lol).. but he was honest about it.. and he didn’t try to make it sound like he didn’t do anything wrong.. he was very forward with the fact he knew he messed up.

He reminisced on some funny memories we had made back in the day.. and told me the look on my face was priceless when we saw each other in jail lol. He also told me about his plans for life when he gets out. He wrote a lot about how hes made a lot of changes in his life since I seen him.. good changes ( he use to be a very lazy pot head.. and more)

He told me how excited he was to see me and get my letter.. and one of the coolest things he said was “Im glad your doing good.. you were always so much better than all the drama you put up with.” I know a lot of the drama was caused by me.. but Lance was always someone who was there up front .. he listened to me when I was mad and upset and was such a great friend.. I guess I forgot that along the way….

Then.. at the end.. He asked me if when I come to visit him if Id like to go out an see a movie or something with him…. So…. Is that a date? Am I being asked out by a flippin convict… haha.

Don’t worry.. Im still in the Joshua program haha.

I had a few friends read the letter.. and most of them were really impressed with it. My friend Arial told me that she felt I was obligated to now be honest with him. It was my turn to tell him how my life is different now and its all because of God.. sooo.. I wrote him a four page typed letter.. I told him why I came to Joshua.. and through the letter I keep referring to how God has changed my life.. how good he is. I didn’t preach at him or anything.. I just told him how it was for me.. ( he did ask )

Is it bad that Im excited about this.. Im going to be careful obviously and more than anything this is a chance to witness to him.. Im pretty sure God didn’t just put me in Troy and have me sit right next to the kid in jail for no reason… Im excited to have Lance back in my life.. Im excited to see what Gods plans are with this.. and every part.. (DON’T get the wrong idea Im not saying hes the one lol.. friendship… that’s all)

Soo.. Ill keep you posted.

I worked in Hume N Beans this weekend.. a coffee shop.. I flippin loved it. Lol.

babble

I have a few things Id like to write about.. it may be quick because.. well Im about to leave for our Valentines Day Pause Event.. ice skating at the ARK.... hmmmm.

So I was reading in my journal this morning during devo.. the one Ive kept close to my side since Jan 1, 2004.... 4 years ago.. crazy that theres still about half the journal left to fill... I stopped writing in it since.. I wanted to do my blog and concentrate on Week In reviews... anyways.. Its a good thing to read.. but I reailzed.. I wrote alot about guys.. this guy and that guy.... and I have to say Im very proud of my blogs now adays.. since I havnt written about guys... well maybe once or twice.. but my blogs consist of life.. my life.. and God and my struggles and who I am... Its nice and relieving to see not only my out look on life change and my attitude and my relationship with God.. but also... to see my attitude and out look on the God situation has changed.. I asked God in the begining to not give me any one.. that Im not ready and dont want to fall in love until Im in love with God.. and now.. I can honestly say.. Im falling more and more in love with God as the days go by.. he is my BEST friend.. and hasnt left my side once... not even in Jail.. he was with me th whole time.. and I kept my faith and believed he was there with me.... Its amazing to me how I could be soooo gosh... hmmm empty?

so the reason I wrote that is .. probably to give my self permission to talk about a guy... I feel awkward writing about it.. because everything ive ever written about a guy.. I look back and laugh at myself.. "I really thought I loved him." "I miss him." or the best one.. "HES THE ONE"... so I dont want to embaress myself anymore than I have... but... there is someone who catches my eye these days... more than likely Ill leave Joshua and wont talk to him.. or at least.. Ill move on.. (theres more fish in the sea).. but right now.. while Im here in the moment.. hes alot like someone I would want in a spouse.. He has good characteristics.... Hes funny and nice and sarcastic.. in a really good way.. he has a good family back ground.. hes open and loving and compassionate.. and most importantly and all that matters is he Loves God.

I dont like asking God for this .. I dont like being.. "Hey God thats who I want." So I sometimes will say I really like him... but for the most part.. I just want someone whos like that... Someone with those characteristics.. I never want to lower myself to what I was before.. to the guys I had before.. I never want to feel used and worthless... I want someone who is.. God fearing.. God loving.. and is more in love with God than me... thats what I want..

Its hard... Im afraid of going home and not having people like this in my life... I know there are ways to find good christian friends and maybe potentially meet a good christian guy.. but at the same time. I like what I have here.. and almost selfishly dont want to give it up....

So off the whole guy subject... I havnt talked to my Dad since the day I got out of jail... He was happy I got out and happy I was okay and everything worked out.. and all in all happy for me... so why.. WHY does he keep things from me.. everytime I talk to him I ask him.. "How is everyone.. Hows Grandpa" .. and he says. "Fine"... so why.. WHY hasnt he told me that gramps has cancer (not that im crazy upset about it.. im not close with him.. but close enough)... its just the common courtesy.. thats my family too and Id like to know these things.. my Dads done this for years.. He doesnt talk... he waits till its all in the open than acknowledges it.. so what am I suppose to wait till Gramps dies to find out he had cancer.. and wish I had known before so I could talk to him...

Okay Im just getting sappy and thats dumb.

My birth certificate hasnt come in yet... it sucks but... If God wants me in Israel.. Ill be there... and I have to remember.. in the end all that matters is God.. nothing on this earth compares.. no home, no friends, no family.. no cool car, no nice clothes, the perfect weight.. the perfect guy... (sighs).. good schooling, good home, nice room, cool things.. nothing.. absolutley NOTHING matters.. not my writings not this blog.. not Israel.. not Joshua.. just God... I love him.. I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM!!! and I trust him with my life...

Our God is an Awsome God

So, Monday Rich came to the Joshua building which was a big relief for me.. I needed to talk, I needed to figure out what I was going to do and unlike some of the staff I knew hed give me the right answers.

I went to his office and told him "I want to go to Israel"..

Well come to find out.. that money wasnt Michelles.. it was his.. and he wants me to pay him back.. which I def. will and he wants me to take the money I have and go get my passport.

ISRAEL STILL MIGHT HAPPEN!

I dont understand it.. Its crazy to me what God has done.. how I prayed Friday night walking up that hill for God to let me stay in Joshua and to let me go to Israel .. I didnt think Israel would happen.. but I asked anyways.. because God wants to know my wants... I WANT to go to Israel..

Im just so overwhelmed and happy.. and excited to see what God is going to do.. now all I need to do is get my birth certificate and head down to Fresno and get my apply for my passport.. People are going down Thursday so Im praying that Ill get the birth certificate tomorrow. hmmm.

Sad note : So I lost 10 pounds.. and gained 5 of it back.. grrr.. and somehow feel bigger than before... I hate that feeling.. hate it... grrrrrr.... hmm but then again if I didnt get these feelings I would be determined to loose it.

Update!!!

So I flew home on Sunday.. got there about 1 am Monday.. It was nice waking up to my nieces and having them sit next to me on the couch .. It was nice knowing I was somewhere that I was loved. Me and Amy (my sister in law) jumped in the focus around 10 and took off on our three hour drive to Troy. I was really nervous but.. I played it off pretty well haha. I started to really believe Randy and Amy that I wouldn’t get in a lot of trouble and wouldn’t do jail time.. well.. big surprise when I got there.

I turned myself into probation, they told me to wait in the hall way outside.. then I heard them call my name.. next thing I know Im in cuffs.. the judge couldn’t see me so because I was a flight risk I had to go to jail till the judge could see me the next day.

It sucked… It sucked now knowing anything, not being able to talk to my sister in law.. just being escorted past her while she sits in a court house in a town she had never been too… When I was being booked I got to get naked in front a lady cop.. then had to take a shower and put there wonderful jail outfits on with the ugly shoes.. my hair was a mess and no make up… (not that I hadn’t done that before. WILDWOOD and Canada) … I got to stay in what they call ‘The pent house’ cell.. It was huge.. about 12 girls.. two rooms connected three bathrooms and a shower and a TV (not that I watched it lol). The girls were.. well nice.. but some you could tell had been doing a lot of drugs .. one was pregnant and the other were older woman… All they talked about what getting out.. when and how they might get out sooner and men.. men men men. It was pathetic and sad.. They actually had church but I didn’t go.. I couldn’t.. not that I was refusing God or anything like that.. but I really just wanted to spend my own time with God.. I prayed a lot and all in all I still loved him and wasn’t mad at him at all for putting me in this situation.. I loved him almost more.. J Sleeping was hard.. it was hard when the toilets are open to the public and the flush is soo loud the whole building I swear can hear it.. and the girls stayed up really late.. So when breakfast at 530 am happened I was beat… Then around 730 am.. they called me out to go to court.. I really thought I was out of there… grrr…

I went with this other girl down to the Rec. room. (a cement room with two medal benches along the walls a desk and the tv and video camera were you go before the judge on camera).. I sat down and then another girl and guy came in.. then while talking to my public defender.. I hear two more guys come in.. when I go to sit down this guy is sitting next to where I was sitting.. I don’t look at him and then I hear.. “Why the hell are you here.” WEIRD.. I look and its this kid Lance who I use to love … lol.. I knew him when he was 16 and he use to just hang out at my apt. randomly.. I loved the kid he was so sweet and nice and respectful… now hes in jail.. it was cool though because I always wondered what happened to him.. I got his address and am going to keep in touch with him.

Now Im on camera in front of the judge.. he is nothing but nice to me but doesn’t know enough info to let me go and give me a punishment.. so now im back in that stupid cell. He set a bond for 5000 at 10 percent (500 dollars).. around 12 I wake up to someone telling me to pack up. I leave .. finally!! I see Amy and we go eat and talk.. I have court at one.. I don’t get to see the judge face to face till 230. When I do.. it was weird.. he asked me a lot of questions about Joshua and if it changed me and about Israel.. after saying he was going to give me fines (over 2000 dollars) and that if its not paid that day Ill have to do jail time.. and then going silent.. he says.. “Im not giving you any fines.. just your court fees.. that just has to be paid today and you can go.” .. HE LET ME OFF.. Amy and Randy paid 314 dollars for my court fees.. and that’s it.. no probation.. not jail time.. not FINES! God IS AWSOME! I love him.. I love him more than anything in this world.. he is my BEST FRIEND.. its crazy.. because even talking to my close friends.. Amy, Candice and Krista… in the end.. God is all I need.. I love them. But its different now. They arnt my center..

I went back home for the rest of week and it was so nice to be with family… and see Amy and Krista ( she came home for the week from Germany so visit before Ryan goes to Iraq for 15 months).. it was awesome seeing here.. it was even cooler when she told me she was moving back to Copley in April while Ryans in Iraq.. God is soo good.. Hes giving me good friends to be with… To have when I come home.. Im so excited I love her so much.. and I cant wait to have her back in my every day life… Ive missed her so much..

Hmmm… Im ready for Joshua to be over though.. I love it but Im so excited to go home and have a family .. and a new life.. That is so given to me by God..

Hmmm.. John Fleming just told me he would have been so sad if I left.. the other people that left he didn’t really care but me… he said he would of hated it.. I love that.. how Im loved here… I know the other people who left were too but.. they were really quite and didn’t initiate relationships with people… anyways.. its just nice to be home and have people miss me. Joshua 07-08 class is my family.

Headin' Home

So tomorrow morning around 8 am Jake and Dan will be giving me a ride to the Fresno Airport... its come down to me going home to take care of this issue. If I dont I would be let go from Joshua. Its tough.. moneys tough.. all of its tough. I signed a contract with Michelle to pay her back 470 dollar for the plane ticket since me or my family had no money to get the ticket and pay tuition on Feb 15.

I am nervous.. Im not sure what God has planned .. Im nervous about standing in front of a judge, Im scared of not coming back here and having to live in Ohio again.. Im scared not knowing that this could be my last day in this building.. my home for the past 6 months... Im scared of it all.. but at the same time.. Im excited to go home, Im excited to see my brother and my family.. Im excited to see Amy. Im excited to see Krista and just see my car and the new house and.. my church and my family there.. Im excited to just be off this mountain and home.

Ill be in ohio tomorrow night at 11 30. And the next morning driving three hours to Troy with my sister in law amy to take care of this.. hopefully...

Hope

more info

Things are getting harder.. because of this issue back home.. Hume coule come back and say I cant work here.. which would mean I cant finish Joshua unless I clear this up back home in Ohio... I have no money.. I have nothing... my brother has nothing..

I asked God for contentment and he gave it to me.. and in a way I feel like this is a dream.. theres no way I could leave Joshua.. no way. But.. I could.

I came home last night around 11 30 and Erin was re organizing the room.. we had a pretty good laugh trying to get this huge box up into our loft.. woke a couple of the boys up down the hall in there room.. I needed to laugh.

I finally told her about me having to possibly leave Joshua because of the issue back home.. She didnt understand and she kept asking me if there was anything we could do.. We finally fell asleep.

The next morning we woke up and just talked about this and that and then she tells me. "Ive already raised 40 dollar for your plane ticket home." I wanted to cry.. but couldnt... I feel selfish in a way.. like Id expect this from her... I dont want to feel like that.. I want appreciation. I wish I knew what God wanted right now.. I wish hed fall out of the big blue sky stand in front me and yell the words "SARAH I WANT YOU TO..."

Candace : Thank you so much for offering that money if there is anyway I can get Rich to let me use it for a plane ticket that would be amazing but im not sure how that will work. but thank you for everything.. Thank you

Bad News.. Im so sorry

I know Ive said it before.. 'If I dont go to Israel thats okay. What makes me think God cant work in me here in America.. God isnt in Israel anymore."... Ive said it.. Ive meant it.. so why does it hurt so bad to know Im not going.

My past has crept up to bite me in the butt.. and thats okay. I know my God loves me.. and I know he has plans for me and Israel just isnt part of the equation right now. I know he has swept away my offences and casted my sins as far as the east is from the west.. but this world is far from perfect and life here is nothing but a time passer.

Im not going to Israel. As you know.. I dont have the money.. only 600 dollars.. but thats not whats holding me back. Two years ago I got into some trouble... drinking underage. I went to court and all that.. but I never paid my fine or took my alcohol class. They wanted me in court in October but.. I was here at Joshua. I couldnt take care of it. So they issued a warrant. Because of my warrant (even though the court system knows im in california and will be taking care of it in May when I return to Ohio) My passport will be denied. The money we send will be non refundable. Im not going to Israel.

My heart hurts.. I want to spend those two weeks there.. I want to see what my class mates will see.. I want to experience it with them.. but what I want doesnt matter as this point. God has a plan.. Its just so hard to see past this..

Because of this Im not sure if applying to skyview is a good idea. I dont want them to see that and think Im a bad person.. Im afraid of my past.. and sometimes I think I always will be. I love embracing it.. I love talking about it and letting people know Im not perfect but god is soo forgiving.. but sometimes.. like right now.. I hate it.. I wish it didnt exist I wish I could erase it .. and start over...

I feel like I built Israel and this camp thing up... I feel like my heart leaped for God.. and now Im let down.. was it even God from the begining.. (thats how my mind is working right now) I hate that! I want to Love God all the time.. which I do.. but Im hurt and I dont understand why this hapend.. Its like he tricked me.. but I know God wouldnt do that..

Im sorry I made all those horrible decisions in the past... Im sooo sorry.

Im sorry Candace if you sent your money for me... Im so sorry you did that.. and now Im not going. I appreciate your comments so much and your input and your encouragment.. Im sorry I let you down.

Im so sorry..

(( Im gonig to go read and work out.. ))

life...oh life

We lost three people last week.. Its not as wierd as I thought it would be... to not see these people every day. I guess it was because they really didnt have a big part in my every day life here.. I dont know. What is sad is to think we only have three months left.. only three After that.. its goodbye for who knows how long. Ill never (most likely) step in this building again for the rest of my life. this place that has changed my life forever... Joshua Wilderness Institute... This will be my past.. just an old stepping stone... Im going to miss it here.. Im going to miss the people and the waking up together and doing our every move together.. having stability and a schedual.. Im going to miss the classes and the teachers and the awkward things that happen.. the fire place the couchs.. my bed..... my bed. My bathroom my roomate.. I didnt think it would be so hard to pack up and leave here... Graduation day is going to be one of the hardest and happiest days of my life.

Everyone is sick in the building now though.. Erin is sick.. congested.. sounds pretty gross when she coughs and stuff.. Im drinking a diet pepsi with airborne in it. Hopefully I wont get sick.
I have to spend 42.00 to get a new birthcertificate. Its annoying as crap... Israel.. oh Israel you pain in my butt :).. I got another 500 dollars. I needed to see that even though Im thousands away from where I need to be.. that 500 really gives me hope. *hope* (haha its not on the back of my neck for nothin).

I love God.

So I hate snow as you know.. hate it.. but looking out the window just now .. its beautiful. The sky is like perfect blue and everything is white... so it just blends... akron isnt this beautiful :(...

So I finished the book the Kite Runner.. its was soo good.. I cant wait to see the movie.. I heard its amazing. Everyone .. well at least alot of the girls are reading Redeeming Love.. Its so cool to watch them read it.. hooked on it.. Its probably the best book I have ever read.. EVER. I started reading another book called 'Blue like Jazz' Its good.. really good actually.. Gosh I love reading.. I love using my head and .. well.. making plans for myself...

I want to go on a road trip.. I want to go south.. or mid west.. I dont know.. all I know is I want to end up on a dirt road thats miles long with nothing in sight.. I want to end up in towns where everything is still old fashioned. Then i want to go on a road trip up and down the East Coast.
I want to go see Candice in Florida this summer. (If I dont get the job at the camp)... I want to go sky diving!!! FREE FALLING! ((okay im soundin a bit cheesy arnt I?) ... I just want to do things.. Sabrina told me I should come visit her this summer at the camp she is working at in Hawaii. God.. GOD! I WANT TO LIVE AN ADVENTURE! I dont want to settle down.. not now.. not while Im in my prime.. I want to LIVE.. I want to do things... I want to read thousands of books and I want to continue making art... I want to enjoy this earth.. this home we have now..

hmmm... new subject.. Im loosing weight.. Ive lost 6 pounds I know its no to much .. but... I feel like Ive lost more.. I have to be gaining muscle too because I just feel a bit smaller.. and its nice. My plan it to drop the other 15 pounds Ive gained being here .. and maybe some more. That would be nice.. !!

I love my God.

Ohh.. wierd news... Called Ashley the other day.. shes pregnant. Yeaah. I dont even know what to say and it sad because I know she thinks shes got it together.. but she doesnt.. yea she has a job and goes to school and does well at both but... I know her.. and I know what she has settled for outside of the class room.. outside of work. Its sad. Ill always love her... Ill always try to be there to help her out.. but not like before. Never like before.

I cant believe I use to live in Ludlow MA and hang out with all these people.. one of the kids we use to hang out with Mike Macintoch is in jail.. home invasion.. beat the crap out of some guy probably my age with a baseball bat and is being charged with attemped murder.. the creepy part is.. he was hired by this other guy to do it.. The guy hangs out with my .. well my old crew.. and him and dan took off to California.. (not sur there still here. dont really care) .. Its just the fact.. that I could be there now.. I could be living that life and honestly.. I probably would of found it normal like everyone else there.. THATS NOT NORMAL! Im so happy to be away from that.. so happy to have a life thats worth living.. thats not going to destroy me.

I love God!

Nothing but a Mess

Today was crazy.. and seemed almost pointless.

We left the mountain around 9am so we could get to Fresno and get BJ to his dentisy appointment and me and Anthony to a passport place. We get Bj to the doctor only to find out he got the directions for the wrong doctor. Finally we arrive at the right one 20 min late which means they can only pull one of his wisdom teeth instead of both...

Then we get to the passport place,.. you need an appointment so we go to another one only to find out that my birth certificate doesnt have all the information they need.. so the whole trip to Fresno became pointless.. I couldnt send my passport stuff out... nothing.. Im back at square one and it makes me wonder... why am I even trying to go to Israel.. I have 100 dollars for the trip and thats it... I needed 2000 by the end of Dec. Its almost impossible for me to even concider being able to go.

Im content though.. dont get me wrong.. God isnt in Israel. Not anymore.. and yes I do believe that the people who have gone and say that it was life changing.. are being honest.. but what makes me douby my God.. how do I know he wont do anything LIFE changing here.. in the united states... If I dont go to Israel.. then I dont go. I made my efforts I sent support letters and Ive given my own money.. Ive prayed... Ill continue to pray and push forward with this.. but ... this is life.. and sometimes God has different plans.

Next subject.. i dyed my hair.. almost black.. Why I keep changing I dont.. Erin bets 20 dollars Ill go back blonde before Joshua is over... I dont know. Im content right now.. dark.. not saying im dark lol.. but.. i almost feel that dark has more to say that light.. wow thats sounds un christian like haha.. I hope you get what I mean.

Sooo.. I want to go on aroad trip... for real... Probably next summer for a month just travel around the US. Im young.. I want to live.. and not be cooped up for the rest of my life... thats just not me

SKYVIEW RANCH

This morning I woke up around 10, worked out for almost an hour then jumped on my blog, dont know why, .. but I checked to see if I had any new comments, I did.. I figured it would be from Randy or Candace (the woman who found my blog and is helping me out with Israel).. but now.. oh no... it was the EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR from skyview ranch!!!! I lost my breath, I jumped up and ran to the phone, I had to tell Randy.. of course he didnt answer.. Jeremy (the director) is ALREADY praying for me.. HOW GREAT IS OUR GOD!

Im not going to depend ont his job or anything but it is amazing how my blog is pretty much impacting my life.. I didnt know me writing every other day just about myself could turn into this amazing gift.. after gift.. after gift.

I am nervous due to the fact that I have a past, I was a part of the party scent .. to the fullest. but in some wierd way I know God has forgiven me.. God has a plan for the life I have lived.. hes going touse it.. which is awsome.. if not for skyview .. for soemthing!

-Jeremy- Yes I finally filled the application out today and emailed my refrences. Thank you so much for your prayers and I am soo excited to see what God has planned. Where should I send my application? Is there a certain address? Thank you .. thank you thank you

Not to much new

So Saturday, I got my boots. They're pretty nice and extremely comfortable...

Sunday.. I left around 9 am with Becky (Richs wife) and headed toward Pine Valley for our next trip, we stayed for about 5 days at Pine Valley, a christian camp. a small one actually.. compared to Hume Lake. We helped around doing little things here and there,.. they wernt that use to having so many helpers at once.

It was a decent trip, not my favorite. It was pretty boring.. and I felt as if I was thousands of miles away from society and alot of the people there I felt were.. all the same. Its not a bad thing, Im just use to diversity.

We got to spend a day in San Diego, I had a really good time, I got to spend the day with Ashley was something new... shes been going through a hard time.. with Kayli... like I did... I wish Ashley could see she could grow so much here if shed stop letting herself settle.. I wish Kayli could see what she is doing to her friends... why people dont want to be around her.. and accept it when people try and help her figure that out.. instead of acting as though she could do nothing wrong... It bothers me.. and I hate that I let it.

Anyways in San Diego we just wandered around pretty much, we were both broke.. but we were able to see the baseball stadium there.. ride the trolly lol... and .. ate some quiznos. Alot of people said when Id get to the city Id love it.. its amazing blah blah blah.. in all honsety.. it wasnt that great.. it was just like.. akron, or cleveland.. or springfield.. boston.. not different.. none at all to me... BUT. the cool thing is I found an artist I love.. wierd I never though I could fall in love with someones art work. but I did.. his name is Tim Cantor.. amazing art work...

We got to see the play 'Triple Espresso' I laughed so hard.. lol.. it was awsome.. love it.. I cant wait to have the oppurtunity to see more plays.. I like them.. never knew that about myself

Im also reading a new book called 'Redeeming Love' by francine Rivers... AMAZING!!!! I cant put it down.. I never thought I could like reading as much as I do... its crazy.

Were back at the mountain... just got back last night, .. starting my diet... again. This time thoug.. Im determined! I have to loose this weight.. its killing me.

Im also thinking of applying at Skyview Ranch in Millersburg OH for be a councelor.. or anything this summer... (((pray for me please))) Im not sure it will work out.. but Id love to work there... I figure if I apply and get the job... Gods opening a door for me.. unless I feel him tug me else where.. Ill take this as a sign.


I called James today.

Its wasnt that different...but it wasnt the same .. Not talking for about 5 months is giong to be wierd... of course.. but the thing that isnt the same.. is that my heart didnt ache for him.. I dont miss him like I have for so many years... He told me to call him later today around 6ish... I think I might..

Hes familiar.

2nd Entry of the Day

Its late Friday.. about 7:30,… I got back up to the Joshua building after eating dinner, got online for awhile.. then went.. sat in the great room.. got bored there.. then decided.. hmm Ill read. Grabbed my book . ‘captivating’, grabbed my blanket and set out for the library, moved the chair close to the electric fire and plopped myself down…

I love this book, at times it can awaken so much emotion in me its ridiculous. Like this morning, I was reading and read this part that says

“Do not throw your pearls to the pigs”, Matt 7:6, Look be careful that you do not give something precious to someone who at best cannot recognize its beauty, or at worst will trample on it.”

This really struck me, How precious I am and how much God loves me.. It also made me think of Amy… I set out for the computer.. sat myself down.. said a prayer.. and began to write. I poured my heart out to her… afraid but hopeful that Gods hand was there while I typed. I included this verse at the end.. on how precious she is to me .. my family and more importantly to God… I called her later.. told her to check it.. she said in a giggle “Ill probably be mad about it since you said ‘remember I love you’” she knew it was something real.. what I didn’t expect was her to write me a similar intimate letter back.. she understood me and we were able to talk.. to really talk.. I couldn’t help but smile. At how through God I got to her.. I know she isn’t where I am.. but I do know where she is.. and how she is feeling.. Shes torn between two lives… she knows what she needs to do.. and wants to.. but isn’t quite ready to let her old life go… I use to be there I know… so…

So this time.. while sitting and reading about how Stasi (author) had a distant relationship with her mother, how she felt she was never good enough for her mom.. So she stayed in the distance, began doing drugs .. etc…. when she finally gave her life to the Lord.. she realized how much her mother had hurt her.. but not only that.. how much she hurt her mom.. she wasn’t the only one who felt they wernt good enough .. her mom didn’t feel good enough either.. her daughter .. was distant from her all her life.. while reading this.. well I obviously couldn’t think of my mom.. Since.. she went to heaven before I could even hit the stage of even beginning to have a bad relationship with her.. but I did think about my Dad.. my chin quivered a few times.. I wondered if I should call him… tell him I love him.. then decided to just keep reading.. finally at the end of the chapter, Stasi talked about her last days with her mom.. then said ‘If you still have your mom.. call her.. tell her you love her.”… I jumped up.. ran to the phone.. knowing its about 1030 there.. called my Dad… Hearing his voice.. makes me miss him even more… but I told him.. I told him I called because I missed him and loved him.. he told me I could call anytime and tell him that.. you could tell he tried to act macho.. macho dad.. the hero.. telling me he is happy with what im doing and that hes happy that im happy… we talked a little bit… then when we said goodbye.. he said goodbye last … and I swear.. Im 99 percent sure… his voice cracked… (((he misses me too..))) I hung up and balled… even telling him doesn’t completely satisfy the need I have for him.. theres a barrier there.. a wall neither one of us can get over… so we hurt… and we cry.. and we get stubborn...

“It is one thing to suffer. It is something far worse to walk alongside one you love who is suffering intensely and be unable to do anything about it.”

…. You think its hard missing me.. Imagine what its like.. me missing you …..

Overwhelmed

"I dont know when the sun came up.. but I know its shining on me"

I cant even explain how overwhelmed I am.. with joy. Once again God has prooved himself.. prooved how much he loves me.. not saying he needs to proove it.. but slowly but surely Im getting it.. Im getting just how much he loves me. Lets start from the begining...

Im sitting in class at 9 am. Rich walks in, extremely upset over the fact that alot of people didnt hand in there time cards from work that weekend. I didnt turn a time card in .. well because I didnt work.. I was puking all weekend. So when he said my name I made sure to raise my hand and let him know I didnt turn one in because I was sick. He then said well you will have to pay your 85 dollars to Kerri today. (( every paycheck they take 85 dollars out for tuition, I didnt work so I have to pay it ))... Now Im a mess.. I only have 200 dollars.. Me and Rich were gonig to get my hiking boots and the rest were going towards my Israel fund... as you can remember from my last entry.. So I go to my room.... walk into the bathroom shut and lock the door.. then cry.. I was sick.. this sucks.. Im never gonig to get to Israel.... then, I dry my tears take a deep breath, grab my wallet and head to Richs office.... I walk into his office.. and .. this is what happens.

Me: "I can pay my 85... but now what should I do with the other money I have.. should I save it for boots or just put it straight towards Israel."

Rich: "Well Id put it towards Israel.. and lets just say the Ferreria (him) family will help you out with your boots."
(((as he slowly opens his top desk drawr))
"Actually just so you know a girl from last year who almsot didnt make it to Israel gave us this money ((pulls out a wad of money)), to give to someone we felt deserves to go but doesnt have the funds.. so its going to you."

I just started crying.. I didnt even hear him when he counted the money for me....

205 dollars.

I cant believe how much God loves me, I went to the phone room to call Randy and sat outside the hall and cried.. tears of joy.. I dont cry those alot... Im realizing just how precious I am to God... How much he loves me.. through what he is donig for me..

and not just that.. but I gave my 85 dollars to pay for my work weekend.. but Rich tells me to give the rest of my money to Israel.. and hes helping me with my boots... God is good.

Randy even said it.. the closer you grow to God.. the closer he grows to you...

Yahweh.. my most precious intimate friend.

Israel.. are you for real?

I dont even know where to begin...
Lately I have felt like Israel is not an option. I dont have the money and I most likely wont get it. So on Saturday when I got a birthday card from my father with the 200 dollars in it... I honestly just wanted to keep it.. Then I thought about it.. it ate at me, then talked to Randy. So after having some guidance, I decided to find a good pair of hiking boots, buy them.. then put the rest towards Israel.. Even though.. my chances were small... I had to remember God is bigger than this.. if he wants me there Ill get there...

Today while sitting in the great room with everyone waiting for dinner to come, I see Rich.. call him over to me and tell him how I have some money and need to get some boots and put the rest towards the trip... he says okay and then tells me how he got an email from someone who has been reading my blog.. ((yes you!))... and is sending me 400 dollars.. and is going to try and get more for me to go.... I cant explain the feeling that ran through me.. I got how.. then almost sweaty and wanted to cry.. how great is our GOD!... I didnt want to give up my 200 dollars... and finally I let it go and God provides twice as much... maybe more...

I just wanted to write this.. I couldnt wait.

-To anonymous- If you are reading this... Thank you! This means the world to me.. more than I could ever explain... Thank you for believing in me enough to help me out with this.. Thank you.. Thank you.. Thank you!