Temporary highs..

I feel like this last week I have so desperatley wanted to be saved.. so badly I wanted God to fly down here and sweep me off my feet and remind me that I am loved.. because I am so lonely right now, its a wierd lonely... because I have my amazing family and amazing friends.... yet I feel like I am walking around this place alone... I feel like my mind is my biggest enemy and its constantly running and making me question everything. I cried my eyes out at church this morning, ... I couldnt help but worry that Ill never get it right again.. Im so afraid that Ill miss it.... Ill miss Him.

We went out for a little bit last night, .. and I ran into some old friends.. (or thats what I thought they once were) ... I left the place with a smile and felt so good and thought about how I need to hang out with them more.... but when I woke up today it hit me like a ton of bricks.. temporary high. I had fun.. because who doesnt have fun when they WANT to. I convinced myself that last night was a good night... which it was... for a short time and now that its over I look at it and I know that those people really arnt friends and they never were... it just feels good to be paid attention too and its nice to have more then one person to talk to.. It feels good,... but when Im back home.. and Im back in the reality of my life I am still alone. They arnt going to fill any voids in my life .. if anything they would just create more. I am so weak.. I am so weak to let myself follow this world.. to get caught up in my old life.. I dont know.... in the end... Im just lonely.

I miss Joshua, not to the point of living there again or any of that.. I just miss having friends .. tons of christian friends. I miss talking about God and helping each other grow.. I miss feelng safe.. I miss not having to worry about Ohio. Not having to wake up and battle myself everyday. Am I going to do it right today.. or wrong?

My sister in law has said for months I should get involved with the bible studys or groups at NEOchurch... and I keep saying No. I am to scared and weak to want to put myself out there.. and to make new friends.. I dont want new friends.. I dont want anyone different in my life... I just want God..... I know my answer is not the correct answer for not involving myself... but its all I have.

Yesterday it was 8 years since my Mom passed and of course here I am crying saying "I miss you Mom.. so much"... but honestly I dont think I miss her.. I barely remember anything about her.. I dont remember her smell, her walk.. the way she talked.. I dont remember much of anything.. so how can I miss someone I dont even have memories of...?

Its because I so desperatley want someone to be here for me.. always.. and I keep missing her because I want to believe she was the only one who could do that.. My brother has his family and yes he loves me.. but he has other people he has to take care of now... my father... well.... I dont need to go further on that...

Funny how I can say that huh? Because anyone who is christian will say, God is there for you always.... I know... I KNOW... so why is it so hard for me to accept him as my everything.... why is it so hard for me to let him take care of me...
Why ... Why .. why... why cant I just be with him now?

I just want Him here....

Its so funny how I wrote about family yesterday.. how family will let you down but how I am in no position to judge them ...

So I find out that someone who has meant so much to me, blood, someone who I would bend over backwards for.. and have! someone who I have trusted and have been hurt and demolished because of... Someone who I defend tooth and nail because I want to believe that the person I KNOW she can be.. is what she is GOING to be.. or I convinced myself.. she was.

I dont want to elaborate on the situation because its really not all that important...

I just wish things wernt the way they were sometimes.. I wish my family wasnt so damaged.

I know that God has a reason for everything, I know that every trial I have faced has only helped me grow into the person I am now.. I know that God loves me and wouldnt do anything to just hurt me for the fun of it... I know this. And I know that I am to turn the other cheek... Twice if I have to.

But because I am human and I am a sinner there are things that I feel.. like I wish my family wasnt so damaged.. I wish that half the things that had happend.. didnt. I wish that my Mom was still here and that it was her standing by my fathers side... I wish that the bonds I thought I had with my family .. were real. I wish alot of things.....

It would be easier.. of course.... it would be so much easier to be able to always get along with your loved ones.. and not feel like theres always someone you have to watch out for .. or someone you need to tip toe around. Gosh, I just wish we were normal..

Family.. what is family?

Family… what is family?....

I feel like the word demonstrates a bond that is unbreakable, that people are so connected to each other in so many different ways no one would even dream of breaking it. Family to me seems to be something that demonstates unconditional LOVE.. also.

Of course that’s just what I think FAMILY should be… unfortunately I think we all know its never really that way at all, theres always someone who is going to run there mouth, theres always someone who is going to coward away from a serious situation, there is always someone who will lie to your face, someone who thinks there better then the rest, theres always someone who will screw you over in any and every area of your life if they know it will make them feel good about themselves… and then theres the black sheep…. The ones who are different from the rest, and sometimes are judged negatively… which is expected … because who really wants to take the time to understand that the life that they live isn’t the life someone else wants… that’s a hard thing to deal with… ?

Anyways.. what does that have to do with anything Im about to write… not to sure. But my family I think was put into a bit of shock yesterday, for the fact that an Uncle remarried…. 3 months after his wife died…. Its true, everyone should be happy. I believe it.. Id hate to not want to be happy, who could live that way?... everyone DOES deserve to be happy, but when your happiness effects others happiness… in a very low down negative way… its NOT good. You see, his wife had 5 children, the youngest ones I believe are about to be 18 or already are… THEY JUST LOST THERE MOTHER! They are STILL LIVING WITH MY UNCLE!!! And he goes and remarries, someone he supposedly JUST met…. If that’s the case we could argue on that… what the heck is wrong with you!?!? Who marries someone they just met, especially after loosing there wife only a few months back. And if there’s more behind the story.. like they were together before my Aunt died…. Well.. that just speaks for itself.

I am only venting on this because Ive been there, I have watched my perfect family crash and burn when my mother left us. Well technically she didn’t leave us, she was just in vegetable state… for a year and half… but it didn’t take my father to long to jump into someone elses arms…. And that’s a story that doesn’t need to be drudged up. But I know what its like.. to feel that hurt of loosing my mother.. and then not only that but watching the male figure in my life.. fail. It hurts. Its painful and horrible thing to have to cope with.. but then again I was only 14, these kids are much older and probably much more mature then I was at the time. My hopes are that they arnt hateful towards this.. but that they can forgive and move on.. but don’t forget. Don’t forget that this is something YOU DON’T want to do,… don’t be weak .. don’t be afraid of being alone.. because you are NEVER alone.

I feel for my uncle in a way.. I have to. I have to because hes family…. Unconditional love.. correct? I feel that in some crazy way I understand why he did it.. doesn’t mean I think its right.. not at all. I look back at my fathers situation … the actions he took and the things he did that ripped my heart out.. and how I HAD LOST MY MOM and he just added more to that… and it took me 7 years to finally realize that…. He lost his wife. He lost the woman who kept him on the ground and stable and safe for years. He just lost her.. she was gone and not coming back.. and no matter how many tears we cried and prayers we prayed… I think we all knew that her being in a vegetable state.. was not going to change.. and she was never going to be Mom .. again. I feel for my Uncle because I know hes hurting too.. I know that he lost his wife.. the woman he decided to spend his life with, the woman whos kids became his.. Despite everything that he may have done wrong or right… he still took them as his own… He didn’t run and hide from the situation, he obviously loved his wife enough to take on all that came with her.. …. Basically what Im saying… is he hurts too… and he unfortunately needed to fill the new void in his life.. and this is how he did it. And it hurt some people.. and some people have found it to be GREAT….

So.. what is family ? …..

Heres my new answer….. family is having people in your life who really DO love you and will fight with you tooth and nail to see you do the right thing, family is the people who take you in and let you eat there food and live in there home until you get your feet back on the ground, family is the ones who drop everything to come to your rescue… and for me.. family is when they have to let you go and give you to God because theres nothing more they can do….. and honestly… that takes a lot. To let the ones you love.. go. Thank God for providing me with an amazing brother, sister in law and neieces who I live with and keep me in a straight line..

I have suffered with my family for years.. but finally the last couple years I have been able to see past there flaws.. and that’s because… well…. God forgave me for all the horrible things I have done.. so who am I to hold something against someone in my family.. who am I to think I have the right to be mad? Who am I to think I have some sort of say in how they are dealt with…. Some people may say.. “But sarah you didn’t do something like this? “ … and that’s right, I have never been put in that kind of situation so of course I havnt done something like that.. but I have done other things that have hurt people and hurt myself… Sin is sin in Gods eyes.. and no sinner is any different then the next....

.. And this is what I have left...

I have worked my butt off this last year to stay on top of things, like bills and keeping my job and God knows Ive been working my butt off there.. I have done as much as I could to save money and to take care of the things I need to take care of, I have lost 30 pounds .. I have built up my wardrobe,.. I have spent thousands on new clothes, camera, music, .. etc. I have read books and watched movies .. I have hung out with friends and gone out a few nights.. I have include men back in my life.. and I have made the right decision when I knew they wernt what I wanted.... I have spent time with my neices and my family... I have helped people at my job.. even when its not in my job description.. I have worked hard....

But my relationship with God has died. I have nothing to show .. I have nothing to show to anyone in Joshua that I have taken the step to grow.. yes I attend church.. and I actually found a great church.... but what else have I done..... nothing.

I did exactly the thing I never wanted to do... I looked at Him on his throne in my life.. debated and contemplated... and slowly took him down.... and now that throne is covered in materialistic things and its filled with feelings and actions that had nothing to do with my Father... There is sin in there and disgusting actions.. there is hurtful words laying there.. there are lies and deceit .. and Im afraid its to the point of where I dont think I could ever clear it off enough to allow God back up there.. Im afraid that my doings are so bad and so deeply damaged that it would take a life time to clear them out of the picture..

So what do I do...?

I try... I try with everything I have to forget how much of a sinner I am.. I will try with everything I have to tell myself that I am loved despite the horrendous things I have done.. despite the hurt I enflicted on my God.. that He no longer sees my wrong.. that He REALLY does love me enough to wait while I sort it all out.. and he loves me enough to hold me even when Im kicking and screaming because I want to do it by myself... He loves me enough to know that I may never be where I want to be.... but I will try.. I will try because... I love Him.. Because I know that he has taken my life and shaped it and molded it into something beautiful from something that was so far down the wrong road and torn apart... and its time that I TRY and make this new life I have something honorable to him.

I always used the excuse that Im no where where I use to be.. I dont party, Im not doing drugs, I havnt slipped up with any guys, Im not doing anything i use to do.. and I thought that was enough.. that me not being THAT person anymore meant that I was a GOOD person... I never dreamed that I could still mess up. I really didnt concider the fact that I may do THOSE things right now.. but there are soooo many other things in this life that can cause one to fall off track...

All I know.. All that makes sence in my life IS God... so why not let him take control... because hes honestly and desperatley standing in front of me with his arms stretched out, saying .. "Sarah please let me take it all" ... Why not give it to him... why not try this again... why not do what I did in Joshua and watch his glory unfold again? ... WHY NOT?!

I have allowed the world to consume me.. thats why.. because now my mind is stuck in the ways of the world...

Being a christian is HARD.. HARD HARD HARD.. its constantly a trial... constantly.. theres always something... but I KNOW what its like to hit that trial.. and truly trust God.. its like the trial becomes so small and unimportant when He is in control...

So this is me taking the steps.. the steps to change.. the steps that will lead me right back in my Saviors Loving Arms... and I can not wait! .. I cant wait to have that joy rush through me like it once did....

And if the road I travel means Im going to hit obsticles and trails.. more then usual.. because we all know when you decide to make the change.. the Devil does anything he can to discourage you and ruin your determination... and if that’s the case.. THEN SO BE IT… anything the devils throws in my way.. God will handle that too.

I said you gotta leave, you gotta promise me
It’s the beginning of my end, you gotta promise me
How can a holy God renew a wicked Pharisee
I’m saying I’m like Peter in the boat, so just depart from me
It seems I’m destined for doom like ancient prophesy
And in the dark I’m consumed, it’s just too much for me
With sin in full bloom, my gloom booms by the full moon
And I’m thinking to myself, ‘how can You rescue me?’

Then in the darkness of this room, You snuck up next to me
You put your hand upon my wound and whispered ‘rest in me’
And there I stepped out of the tomb and into destiny
The rest they say is history
Your grace is such a mystery

Random

I don’t know why Im writing this in here.. I don’t know why I keep having this memories flooding my mind. Theres a reason though.. I know that much.

Last night while I lay in my comfy safe bed, thinking about life and the mistakes I had made during the day, sins I had commited, how far from good I am. My mind took a spin, a memory.. you see Ive been trying to figure out what else I can do to fix my broken pieces,.. because realistically Joshua couldn’t restore every piece of me.

Anyways, I started thinking of things that had happened in my past,.. and when I started thinking of them, I wanted to write them down.. remember them. So when it came to it.. if it ever did I could expose them. So heres the first one.

This took place somewhere in the winter of 2000, a couple months after my Mom went into the hospital, my dad was never home at night, he was either with her,.. or at a bar. (he never use to go to the bars, and if he did it was like once a year.. now he was gone every night) I sat at home a lot, 13 yrs old learning what it meant to live, learning what it meant to actually feel alone,.. for so many years I had the companionship of my mother.. now that was gone. I had this cheesy diary, the cover consisted of five gorgeous guys called the backstreet boys J. (Sometimes I wish I could find that thing) There was one night where suicide was my option.. funny how for 13 years I never even knew what suicide was and as soon as your life gets flipped over and twisted up and your bottom falls out, you all of a sudden have an understanding of it. I had written in the diary about how one night I had take a bottle of asprin, hoping to never wake up. Well I woke up, obviously, .. you see I didn’t REALLY want to die, I just wanted all the pain to go away, and I desperately wanted my mother back home. I wanted my Father home too. One day about a week after this occurance, I came home to find my father rushing me into the car, asking me what I was thinking.. blah blah blah, he had read my diary, he rushed me to the ER. I was so angry at him for reading my things, I didn’t want to talk to him.. but now that I look back I figured it all out, I know what I was really thinking.. and I know how I look at my father,.. I don’t look at him with anger anymore.. more of pity. He didn’t know anything, he took me to the ER for pete sake. It had been a week, I was FINE. Not only that but I wanted his attention, any thing even if it was him thinking I could die because of some pills I had taken the week before.

I cried last night when I had this memory.. cried because I wish all the memories were more clearer,.. especially when it comes to my father.. I think that was one of the last times his care for me really spoke. Ever since then it was anger.. or he just pushed everything under the rug… I wish I could remember him being there.. not just a phone call every other week.. a phone call I MAKE. He never calls, and he always finds a way to try and make me understand that he just doesn’t like the phone.

I don’t really have much more to say

I dont want this

So basically Im just suppose to go home and hope for the best .. May 12th Ill get on that plane and head back to a reality that I put off for 9 months and its suppose to be okay RIGHT?

I DONT WANT TO GO HOME!

I am scared of who I am and who I was. I am scared of the fact that Im weak and I have always been weak.. Id rather follow the crowd then lead them else where. Ive always been that girl. The girl who did whatever she wanted (what her friends did) I even destroyed some people along the way. I am no angel.

How do I do this? I have no faith.. how pathetic of me. Its funny how we find it so hard to actually sit down and pray.. we spend so much time trying to avoid it. I was to busy today to talk to God. Doing nothing! And then when we finally do pray.. we dont even believe what were praying about matters.

God... I am less then what I thought. I am a scared little girl who is not ready to go home .. who wants to keep running..

crazy

Its been awhile huh? Almost too long.. Im not sure if I lost my interest.. I dont know.

So do you want an update..

I changed my mind.. again.. Gosh Im so good at that.. Im so good at never following through .. haha.. Except this time isnt exactly the worst thing ever

I want to stay here at Hume now .. I want to work here.. My Hearts desire is here.. God did alot this past weekend.. and still I doubt.

Isnt it funny how as humans we dont find it natural to just pray.. Its almost hard for us to just sit down and do it.. yet when we finally do.. We find it even harder to believe.

So.. I let myself settle.. haha.. Lance. He got out of jail and we talked on the phone and all I needed was one talk to know that wasnt it. I let myself believe I could save someone else.. I could change him and bring him to God.. how crazy of me. Why am I always trying to save someone.. Why am I always trying to be an answer to someones prayers...

I feel pathetic and like a broken record saying this.. Since before I went to jail.. before that period of time I had fallen for a boy .. and tried to say in my last entry i was seeing past it.. I let Lance cloud my visions..

Basically.. theres this other guy.. This main guy.. This out of no where guy.. who I have mentioned before.. who makes my stomach turn when we talk.. we could laugh soo hard and as soon as he walks away I want to cry .. This weekend was crazy.. He appreciates me.. I guess according to him.. Ive helped him without even knowing.. I cry.. My heart aches for it. Someone like him.. Hes flawless... Hes unlike me in so many ways..

Im crazy..

((By the way.. Im GOING to Israel on Monday))