Bad News.. Im so sorry

I know Ive said it before.. 'If I dont go to Israel thats okay. What makes me think God cant work in me here in America.. God isnt in Israel anymore."... Ive said it.. Ive meant it.. so why does it hurt so bad to know Im not going.

My past has crept up to bite me in the butt.. and thats okay. I know my God loves me.. and I know he has plans for me and Israel just isnt part of the equation right now. I know he has swept away my offences and casted my sins as far as the east is from the west.. but this world is far from perfect and life here is nothing but a time passer.

Im not going to Israel. As you know.. I dont have the money.. only 600 dollars.. but thats not whats holding me back. Two years ago I got into some trouble... drinking underage. I went to court and all that.. but I never paid my fine or took my alcohol class. They wanted me in court in October but.. I was here at Joshua. I couldnt take care of it. So they issued a warrant. Because of my warrant (even though the court system knows im in california and will be taking care of it in May when I return to Ohio) My passport will be denied. The money we send will be non refundable. Im not going to Israel.

My heart hurts.. I want to spend those two weeks there.. I want to see what my class mates will see.. I want to experience it with them.. but what I want doesnt matter as this point. God has a plan.. Its just so hard to see past this..

Because of this Im not sure if applying to skyview is a good idea. I dont want them to see that and think Im a bad person.. Im afraid of my past.. and sometimes I think I always will be. I love embracing it.. I love talking about it and letting people know Im not perfect but god is soo forgiving.. but sometimes.. like right now.. I hate it.. I wish it didnt exist I wish I could erase it .. and start over...

I feel like I built Israel and this camp thing up... I feel like my heart leaped for God.. and now Im let down.. was it even God from the begining.. (thats how my mind is working right now) I hate that! I want to Love God all the time.. which I do.. but Im hurt and I dont understand why this hapend.. Its like he tricked me.. but I know God wouldnt do that..

Im sorry I made all those horrible decisions in the past... Im sooo sorry.

Im sorry Candace if you sent your money for me... Im so sorry you did that.. and now Im not going. I appreciate your comments so much and your input and your encouragment.. Im sorry I let you down.

Im so sorry..

(( Im gonig to go read and work out.. ))

life...oh life

We lost three people last week.. Its not as wierd as I thought it would be... to not see these people every day. I guess it was because they really didnt have a big part in my every day life here.. I dont know. What is sad is to think we only have three months left.. only three After that.. its goodbye for who knows how long. Ill never (most likely) step in this building again for the rest of my life. this place that has changed my life forever... Joshua Wilderness Institute... This will be my past.. just an old stepping stone... Im going to miss it here.. Im going to miss the people and the waking up together and doing our every move together.. having stability and a schedual.. Im going to miss the classes and the teachers and the awkward things that happen.. the fire place the couchs.. my bed..... my bed. My bathroom my roomate.. I didnt think it would be so hard to pack up and leave here... Graduation day is going to be one of the hardest and happiest days of my life.

Everyone is sick in the building now though.. Erin is sick.. congested.. sounds pretty gross when she coughs and stuff.. Im drinking a diet pepsi with airborne in it. Hopefully I wont get sick.
I have to spend 42.00 to get a new birthcertificate. Its annoying as crap... Israel.. oh Israel you pain in my butt :).. I got another 500 dollars. I needed to see that even though Im thousands away from where I need to be.. that 500 really gives me hope. *hope* (haha its not on the back of my neck for nothin).

I love God.

So I hate snow as you know.. hate it.. but looking out the window just now .. its beautiful. The sky is like perfect blue and everything is white... so it just blends... akron isnt this beautiful :(...

So I finished the book the Kite Runner.. its was soo good.. I cant wait to see the movie.. I heard its amazing. Everyone .. well at least alot of the girls are reading Redeeming Love.. Its so cool to watch them read it.. hooked on it.. Its probably the best book I have ever read.. EVER. I started reading another book called 'Blue like Jazz' Its good.. really good actually.. Gosh I love reading.. I love using my head and .. well.. making plans for myself...

I want to go on a road trip.. I want to go south.. or mid west.. I dont know.. all I know is I want to end up on a dirt road thats miles long with nothing in sight.. I want to end up in towns where everything is still old fashioned. Then i want to go on a road trip up and down the East Coast.
I want to go see Candice in Florida this summer. (If I dont get the job at the camp)... I want to go sky diving!!! FREE FALLING! ((okay im soundin a bit cheesy arnt I?) ... I just want to do things.. Sabrina told me I should come visit her this summer at the camp she is working at in Hawaii. God.. GOD! I WANT TO LIVE AN ADVENTURE! I dont want to settle down.. not now.. not while Im in my prime.. I want to LIVE.. I want to do things... I want to read thousands of books and I want to continue making art... I want to enjoy this earth.. this home we have now..

hmmm... new subject.. Im loosing weight.. Ive lost 6 pounds I know its no to much .. but... I feel like Ive lost more.. I have to be gaining muscle too because I just feel a bit smaller.. and its nice. My plan it to drop the other 15 pounds Ive gained being here .. and maybe some more. That would be nice.. !!

I love my God.

Ohh.. wierd news... Called Ashley the other day.. shes pregnant. Yeaah. I dont even know what to say and it sad because I know she thinks shes got it together.. but she doesnt.. yea she has a job and goes to school and does well at both but... I know her.. and I know what she has settled for outside of the class room.. outside of work. Its sad. Ill always love her... Ill always try to be there to help her out.. but not like before. Never like before.

I cant believe I use to live in Ludlow MA and hang out with all these people.. one of the kids we use to hang out with Mike Macintoch is in jail.. home invasion.. beat the crap out of some guy probably my age with a baseball bat and is being charged with attemped murder.. the creepy part is.. he was hired by this other guy to do it.. The guy hangs out with my .. well my old crew.. and him and dan took off to California.. (not sur there still here. dont really care) .. Its just the fact.. that I could be there now.. I could be living that life and honestly.. I probably would of found it normal like everyone else there.. THATS NOT NORMAL! Im so happy to be away from that.. so happy to have a life thats worth living.. thats not going to destroy me.

I love God!

Nothing but a Mess

Today was crazy.. and seemed almost pointless.

We left the mountain around 9am so we could get to Fresno and get BJ to his dentisy appointment and me and Anthony to a passport place. We get Bj to the doctor only to find out he got the directions for the wrong doctor. Finally we arrive at the right one 20 min late which means they can only pull one of his wisdom teeth instead of both...

Then we get to the passport place,.. you need an appointment so we go to another one only to find out that my birth certificate doesnt have all the information they need.. so the whole trip to Fresno became pointless.. I couldnt send my passport stuff out... nothing.. Im back at square one and it makes me wonder... why am I even trying to go to Israel.. I have 100 dollars for the trip and thats it... I needed 2000 by the end of Dec. Its almost impossible for me to even concider being able to go.

Im content though.. dont get me wrong.. God isnt in Israel. Not anymore.. and yes I do believe that the people who have gone and say that it was life changing.. are being honest.. but what makes me douby my God.. how do I know he wont do anything LIFE changing here.. in the united states... If I dont go to Israel.. then I dont go. I made my efforts I sent support letters and Ive given my own money.. Ive prayed... Ill continue to pray and push forward with this.. but ... this is life.. and sometimes God has different plans.

Next subject.. i dyed my hair.. almost black.. Why I keep changing I dont.. Erin bets 20 dollars Ill go back blonde before Joshua is over... I dont know. Im content right now.. dark.. not saying im dark lol.. but.. i almost feel that dark has more to say that light.. wow thats sounds un christian like haha.. I hope you get what I mean.

Sooo.. I want to go on aroad trip... for real... Probably next summer for a month just travel around the US. Im young.. I want to live.. and not be cooped up for the rest of my life... thats just not me

SKYVIEW RANCH

This morning I woke up around 10, worked out for almost an hour then jumped on my blog, dont know why, .. but I checked to see if I had any new comments, I did.. I figured it would be from Randy or Candace (the woman who found my blog and is helping me out with Israel).. but now.. oh no... it was the EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR from skyview ranch!!!! I lost my breath, I jumped up and ran to the phone, I had to tell Randy.. of course he didnt answer.. Jeremy (the director) is ALREADY praying for me.. HOW GREAT IS OUR GOD!

Im not going to depend ont his job or anything but it is amazing how my blog is pretty much impacting my life.. I didnt know me writing every other day just about myself could turn into this amazing gift.. after gift.. after gift.

I am nervous due to the fact that I have a past, I was a part of the party scent .. to the fullest. but in some wierd way I know God has forgiven me.. God has a plan for the life I have lived.. hes going touse it.. which is awsome.. if not for skyview .. for soemthing!

-Jeremy- Yes I finally filled the application out today and emailed my refrences. Thank you so much for your prayers and I am soo excited to see what God has planned. Where should I send my application? Is there a certain address? Thank you .. thank you thank you

Not to much new

So Saturday, I got my boots. They're pretty nice and extremely comfortable...

Sunday.. I left around 9 am with Becky (Richs wife) and headed toward Pine Valley for our next trip, we stayed for about 5 days at Pine Valley, a christian camp. a small one actually.. compared to Hume Lake. We helped around doing little things here and there,.. they wernt that use to having so many helpers at once.

It was a decent trip, not my favorite. It was pretty boring.. and I felt as if I was thousands of miles away from society and alot of the people there I felt were.. all the same. Its not a bad thing, Im just use to diversity.

We got to spend a day in San Diego, I had a really good time, I got to spend the day with Ashley was something new... shes been going through a hard time.. with Kayli... like I did... I wish Ashley could see she could grow so much here if shed stop letting herself settle.. I wish Kayli could see what she is doing to her friends... why people dont want to be around her.. and accept it when people try and help her figure that out.. instead of acting as though she could do nothing wrong... It bothers me.. and I hate that I let it.

Anyways in San Diego we just wandered around pretty much, we were both broke.. but we were able to see the baseball stadium there.. ride the trolly lol... and .. ate some quiznos. Alot of people said when Id get to the city Id love it.. its amazing blah blah blah.. in all honsety.. it wasnt that great.. it was just like.. akron, or cleveland.. or springfield.. boston.. not different.. none at all to me... BUT. the cool thing is I found an artist I love.. wierd I never though I could fall in love with someones art work. but I did.. his name is Tim Cantor.. amazing art work...

We got to see the play 'Triple Espresso' I laughed so hard.. lol.. it was awsome.. love it.. I cant wait to have the oppurtunity to see more plays.. I like them.. never knew that about myself

Im also reading a new book called 'Redeeming Love' by francine Rivers... AMAZING!!!! I cant put it down.. I never thought I could like reading as much as I do... its crazy.

Were back at the mountain... just got back last night, .. starting my diet... again. This time thoug.. Im determined! I have to loose this weight.. its killing me.

Im also thinking of applying at Skyview Ranch in Millersburg OH for be a councelor.. or anything this summer... (((pray for me please))) Im not sure it will work out.. but Id love to work there... I figure if I apply and get the job... Gods opening a door for me.. unless I feel him tug me else where.. Ill take this as a sign.


I called James today.

Its wasnt that different...but it wasnt the same .. Not talking for about 5 months is giong to be wierd... of course.. but the thing that isnt the same.. is that my heart didnt ache for him.. I dont miss him like I have for so many years... He told me to call him later today around 6ish... I think I might..

Hes familiar.

2nd Entry of the Day

Its late Friday.. about 7:30,… I got back up to the Joshua building after eating dinner, got online for awhile.. then went.. sat in the great room.. got bored there.. then decided.. hmm Ill read. Grabbed my book . ‘captivating’, grabbed my blanket and set out for the library, moved the chair close to the electric fire and plopped myself down…

I love this book, at times it can awaken so much emotion in me its ridiculous. Like this morning, I was reading and read this part that says

“Do not throw your pearls to the pigs”, Matt 7:6, Look be careful that you do not give something precious to someone who at best cannot recognize its beauty, or at worst will trample on it.”

This really struck me, How precious I am and how much God loves me.. It also made me think of Amy… I set out for the computer.. sat myself down.. said a prayer.. and began to write. I poured my heart out to her… afraid but hopeful that Gods hand was there while I typed. I included this verse at the end.. on how precious she is to me .. my family and more importantly to God… I called her later.. told her to check it.. she said in a giggle “Ill probably be mad about it since you said ‘remember I love you’” she knew it was something real.. what I didn’t expect was her to write me a similar intimate letter back.. she understood me and we were able to talk.. to really talk.. I couldn’t help but smile. At how through God I got to her.. I know she isn’t where I am.. but I do know where she is.. and how she is feeling.. Shes torn between two lives… she knows what she needs to do.. and wants to.. but isn’t quite ready to let her old life go… I use to be there I know… so…

So this time.. while sitting and reading about how Stasi (author) had a distant relationship with her mother, how she felt she was never good enough for her mom.. So she stayed in the distance, began doing drugs .. etc…. when she finally gave her life to the Lord.. she realized how much her mother had hurt her.. but not only that.. how much she hurt her mom.. she wasn’t the only one who felt they wernt good enough .. her mom didn’t feel good enough either.. her daughter .. was distant from her all her life.. while reading this.. well I obviously couldn’t think of my mom.. Since.. she went to heaven before I could even hit the stage of even beginning to have a bad relationship with her.. but I did think about my Dad.. my chin quivered a few times.. I wondered if I should call him… tell him I love him.. then decided to just keep reading.. finally at the end of the chapter, Stasi talked about her last days with her mom.. then said ‘If you still have your mom.. call her.. tell her you love her.”… I jumped up.. ran to the phone.. knowing its about 1030 there.. called my Dad… Hearing his voice.. makes me miss him even more… but I told him.. I told him I called because I missed him and loved him.. he told me I could call anytime and tell him that.. you could tell he tried to act macho.. macho dad.. the hero.. telling me he is happy with what im doing and that hes happy that im happy… we talked a little bit… then when we said goodbye.. he said goodbye last … and I swear.. Im 99 percent sure… his voice cracked… (((he misses me too..))) I hung up and balled… even telling him doesn’t completely satisfy the need I have for him.. theres a barrier there.. a wall neither one of us can get over… so we hurt… and we cry.. and we get stubborn...

“It is one thing to suffer. It is something far worse to walk alongside one you love who is suffering intensely and be unable to do anything about it.”

…. You think its hard missing me.. Imagine what its like.. me missing you …..

Overwhelmed

"I dont know when the sun came up.. but I know its shining on me"

I cant even explain how overwhelmed I am.. with joy. Once again God has prooved himself.. prooved how much he loves me.. not saying he needs to proove it.. but slowly but surely Im getting it.. Im getting just how much he loves me. Lets start from the begining...

Im sitting in class at 9 am. Rich walks in, extremely upset over the fact that alot of people didnt hand in there time cards from work that weekend. I didnt turn a time card in .. well because I didnt work.. I was puking all weekend. So when he said my name I made sure to raise my hand and let him know I didnt turn one in because I was sick. He then said well you will have to pay your 85 dollars to Kerri today. (( every paycheck they take 85 dollars out for tuition, I didnt work so I have to pay it ))... Now Im a mess.. I only have 200 dollars.. Me and Rich were gonig to get my hiking boots and the rest were going towards my Israel fund... as you can remember from my last entry.. So I go to my room.... walk into the bathroom shut and lock the door.. then cry.. I was sick.. this sucks.. Im never gonig to get to Israel.... then, I dry my tears take a deep breath, grab my wallet and head to Richs office.... I walk into his office.. and .. this is what happens.

Me: "I can pay my 85... but now what should I do with the other money I have.. should I save it for boots or just put it straight towards Israel."

Rich: "Well Id put it towards Israel.. and lets just say the Ferreria (him) family will help you out with your boots."
(((as he slowly opens his top desk drawr))
"Actually just so you know a girl from last year who almsot didnt make it to Israel gave us this money ((pulls out a wad of money)), to give to someone we felt deserves to go but doesnt have the funds.. so its going to you."

I just started crying.. I didnt even hear him when he counted the money for me....

205 dollars.

I cant believe how much God loves me, I went to the phone room to call Randy and sat outside the hall and cried.. tears of joy.. I dont cry those alot... Im realizing just how precious I am to God... How much he loves me.. through what he is donig for me..

and not just that.. but I gave my 85 dollars to pay for my work weekend.. but Rich tells me to give the rest of my money to Israel.. and hes helping me with my boots... God is good.

Randy even said it.. the closer you grow to God.. the closer he grows to you...

Yahweh.. my most precious intimate friend.

Israel.. are you for real?

I dont even know where to begin...
Lately I have felt like Israel is not an option. I dont have the money and I most likely wont get it. So on Saturday when I got a birthday card from my father with the 200 dollars in it... I honestly just wanted to keep it.. Then I thought about it.. it ate at me, then talked to Randy. So after having some guidance, I decided to find a good pair of hiking boots, buy them.. then put the rest towards Israel.. Even though.. my chances were small... I had to remember God is bigger than this.. if he wants me there Ill get there...

Today while sitting in the great room with everyone waiting for dinner to come, I see Rich.. call him over to me and tell him how I have some money and need to get some boots and put the rest towards the trip... he says okay and then tells me how he got an email from someone who has been reading my blog.. ((yes you!))... and is sending me 400 dollars.. and is going to try and get more for me to go.... I cant explain the feeling that ran through me.. I got how.. then almost sweaty and wanted to cry.. how great is our GOD!... I didnt want to give up my 200 dollars... and finally I let it go and God provides twice as much... maybe more...

I just wanted to write this.. I couldnt wait.

-To anonymous- If you are reading this... Thank you! This means the world to me.. more than I could ever explain... Thank you for believing in me enough to help me out with this.. Thank you.. Thank you.. Thank you!