Lets Sum it up

Im back.. back in california.. back on the mountain..

I know the last thing I wrote basically said I was misserable and wanted to leave ohio and how much amys friendship was.. well not good right now.

my heart is on overload.. emotion wise

I miss home.. I dont know how to explain this.. but being with Randy and my new wonderful sister in law amy and my new three beautiful neices.. all I want to do right now is jump on a plane and go home.. Christmas. I hated christmas.. for 7 years Ive hated christmas... No mom... no happiness .. no joy.. and no father to hold me up.. yea i hated christmas.. but to wake up christmas morning and see a family sitting by a tree waiting for me to come sit with them to open presents.. felt .. real.. It was a real family.. no anger no secrets no tears.. love.. it was pure love...

As for me and amy.. I have to accept the fact that we are on different pages.. but I should of known this vacation wouldnt be a happy one.. there were alot of things I couldnt let myself do.. I signed a contract.. there are things in my life that I need to stay away from.. but I think this trip really stopped me from even the little things I dont have a problem with.. like drinking.. I dont have a problem with drinking.. I just never want to drink to the point of where I use to.. hmm.. what else? We couldnt do anything... really? It was hard.. but maybe it was just preparing me for when I come home..

Amy is part of my family.. At the wedding.. when we took the family photo.. We told amy to get up there and take it with us... I have to remember that.. family.. I have to remember how Randy felt when he saw me do all those horrible things I did.. and how he still loved me and did what he could to help me.. I have to do that .. I have to learn to be patient with God.. nothing is bigger than God.

Now Im here... I dnot really want to be here like I said.. but Im going to do it.. Im excited to finish up the four months here and see what happens.. how much more has changed within myself...

My dad sent me a birthday card with 250 dollars in it. I cried... wierd huh? I was sad .. I know I asked him for some money.. but in the end... I dont want his money.. I want my dad... thats all I want... I told randy and randy said.. ''Thats his way of trying to be your dad again" .. I know... I get it.. but I just miss him.. the old him.. I miss my dad..