So this is the begining?

So lately Ive been thinking how up here at the Joshua Wilderness Institute on Mondays we need to have our 'week in review' in by 9 am. I'm a procrastinator, I wait till the last minute to write everything that happened in the last week. Pathetic, and I always remember something I wish I had added but didn't. So don't take this the wrong way, this isn't so much going to be where I type my week in review, its just somewhere I can ' let it out', each day. So when my last minute comes.... I'll at least have some notes.

New Subject::

In 11 days Ill be heading to the airport to fly home to Ohio, I am excited, I am so excited to see my brother, to my family, to my church and my best friend Amy. Amy Amy Amy... All i can say about her is God is amazing.

Now I am excited, but.. I'm at this point in my life where I love Hume California. I love Hume Lake, and I love my Joshua Wilderness family. I never thought this would be, I never thought I would actually grow attaches to people out here. but I am. And to think that in 5 months it will all be over. All of us will head back to our normal lives in different areas of the world. And most likely we will all never be together at the same time again. How sad is that, to wake up and see them, breakfast to classes to basically every minute until you close eyes.. and then it all repeats itself again. It was awkward going to Jaquis house for thanksgiving break (jaqui:fellow Joshua student and great friend). It was a fun vacation but at the same time I was depressed in a way, I had failed and smoked cigarettes that in some way triggered memories inside of me that I didn't want to be there, memories of who I use to be, or who I still am? ... memories of party's, memories of guys, memories of just being stuck (in more ways then one..) I love smoking.. LOVE IT... but not what comes with it. It wasn't only smoking, it was also just being in society, I was uneasy, I was always thinking,.. thinking too much. I realized that I wasn't soaking up my experience at Joshua, .. or at least I felt that way. I thought that I pretty much would fail if I left Joshua now, I would go back to my life in Ohio and just crash and burn, except this time ,... just thinking about it caused me to feel that if I crashed, Id be done. I wouldn't want to try anymore.. Id give up on all of it. It was a struggle.. a big struggle. Then.. Randy wrote me an email and opened my eyes to what I already knew but didn't acknowledge, .. he said "Sarah did you honestly believe that you could erase the past 7 years in just 9 months." HAHA NO!! It relieved me.. and the best part of me realizing it, I was able to help others with this issue, I finally understood that my past is not going to be magically erased, its going to be there for a long time, Joshua is just a stepping stone in my life a small piece that is creating me... a minor fragment, .. but despise how small a piece of time it is, it is very significant. Joshua is building my faith, and most importantly the ground beneath .. my savior. I am becoming more firm in my believes and WHY I believe them, I find myself leaning on God so much more these days, Hes in my morning, my afternoon and my night.. Its odd in a way since I never use to be like this.. and its not like i go OH I should talk to God about this.. I JUST DO IT... okay I feel like Ive strayed..

Guys:: I have a struggle and Ive realized it the past few months, I cave with them and its my greatest weakness, .. not just liking guys, but pursuing it further. I am in the process of healing though and I see my standards growing, but I also see myself falling for someone.. right now.. who... isnt good. Who... well Im trying to not let my intentions fall short, I am trying to just pray for this person and hope God changes his heart, and not just towards me.. actually if God doesnt want his heart changes towards me .. thats totally fine.. but change his heart in his walk with God.. if he even has that.. I like him.. I cant lie... I do. I see potential.. so much... but... I dont think Im the only girl who thinks this.. only difference is these others girls.. are happy in liking him.. me... no... hes rude, inconsiderate, immature, childish, pretty much acts like God is nothing.. and has a past... well... like mine. Soooo.... why do I like him... haha.. because I'm comfortable with him.. because I GET IT.. (according to him).... whatever.. I'm sure this too shall pass.. :)



So.. thats my first blog!