Ugly Still Exists

This morning,... This morning was nothing but.. a battle ground for me. I allowed myself to fall short,.. Let me explain, me and Erin(roommate) woke up early to make it to breakfast duty at 6:30am. We get there and everything is going fine, as usual.. We eat breakfast,.. awesome. Then it comes, that kid Mikie, woe is me, Holier than thou.. CRAP! I put up with him.. all the time, I cant stand him honestly but anyways thats beside the point, he got aggravated and heated over me accidentally spraying a table that had already been washer, it turned into a little argument and then him turning into a child and spraying me with the WIZ, so .. I turned around he looked at me, and said "DO IT!", I know he didnt think I would so I walked up to him smiled and SPRAYED! then walked away.. I know I handled it wrongly, but thats not the point right now... let me continue. After breakfast duty is done me and him end up right next to each other walking out of the kitchen doors, I look at him and say "Im sorry I didnt mean to upset you", he looks at me and says "Go Screw yourself".. and slams the door.... As I catch the door I feel old sarah rising up.. Im walking behind him taunting him.. making comments and remarks just to get a rise... finally I catch myself and the fact that people are now looking at us. So I turn into the lobby and walk up the stairs to my room. There I find my roommate and completely let loose, I was pissed and she understood and told me I didnt deserve that and no one deserves that. And then she asked me "remember to pick your stuff up in the bathroom since we have room check"
I snapped, "WE HAVE NEVER GOTTEN IN TROUBLE FOR OUR ROOMS BEING MESSY, FOR THE MOST PART ITS CLEANER THAN OTHER ROOMS I DONT NEED YOUR REMINDER! I DO MY HALF EVERY WEEK"... she turned on her defense button, and tried explaining why she asked, .. I got louder "ERIN IM PISSED AND IM NOT TALKING ABOUT THIS RIGHT NOW".....she looks at me with anger in her eyes... and sadness ... and says "Yea.. Your ALWAYS pissed Sarah!" and walks out..........

I sat down outside our room ... bible in hand.. but couldn't read, and then the thought came. "My father created a monster"... "I have made myself very hard to love.".. Not only did I push buttons with Mikey I was able to extend it to my roommate. It hurt... I saw the coldness in my heart, ... the parts I built huge barbed wire fences around.. the parts that didnt allow me to have compassion in moments of controversy. No understanding.. just the fact that I really dont give a shit.

Lisa: You know, there's to o many buttons in the world.- There's way too many just begging to be pressed,you know? They're just - they're just begging to be pressed, and it makes me wonder, it really makes me fucking wonder, why doesn't anyone ever press mine? Why am I so neglected? Why doesn't anyone reach in and rip out the truth and tell me that I'm a fucking whore, or that my parents wish I were dead?
Susanna: Because you're dead already, Lisa! No one cares if you die, Your heart is cold. That's why you keep coming back here. You're not free. You need this place to feel alive. It's pathetic.

-This also arrived at the time of realizing my flaws, Girl Interrupted.. my favorite movie, .. This part is so vivid in my mind, the scene where Lisa stood and Susanna stood.. The looks on there faces.. I always had a compassion for Lisa, I understood her.. I knew her heart.. but I also understood Susanna.. well maybe not understood her.. I knew why she said that.. I always felt my life could be found in this movie in more ways then one.. and mostly in Lisa and Susanna.. the two main characters but the fact that there hearts were in so many ways like mine. I remember making my Dad take me to see it.. so many parts of that movie made me look at him and wonder if he would get it.. if he would see that scene and hear those words and get my heart.. and I think this scene proved it.. He would never get it.. He ran.. and left his daughter to build this barrier around her heart.. and even though some of the wall is knocked down.. theres some areas where the wall is still sky high.

now I want to explain this to you also... Today wasnt ruined, that was just my morning.. I was able to about a half hour later approach Erin and apologize and explain to her that my heart is still damaged in some areas.. and this is a big one... As for Mikey,.. I well.. :) brushed my shoulders off...

A point in today that lifted my spirits even more was when our speaker Jim Cecy said "God called YOU to be a part of this generation." I never thought about that before, that God wanted me to be born on November 23, 1986,.. God wanted my mother to name me Sarah (story behind that).. God knew I would grow up in this era,.. these times.. Knowing what this life would be like.. He believed in me and placed me here.. because.. well I guess he knew I could handle it.. and hopefully improve my darkness and bring it to light.. and make my days glorifying to him... (One day at a time) I know I have flaws.. and Im sure I will never be a quiet christian.. a civil christian... Im sure Ill get loud and Ill get angry and be open, and some of my old parts will fly up.. And i dont like those parts of me.. and Thank God they dont show up alot these days.. But this is for sure.. Id rather be loud for God.. than silent.

"In the photograph by my bed my father is perpetually smiling on me, I guess I have forgiven us both, although sometimes in the night my dreams will take me back to the sadness, and I have to wake up and forgive us again."