So you want the honest truth on how Im feeling today.. okay well here ya go. IVE GAINED 20 POUNDS since Ive been here at Joshua I hate the way I look and feel so unattractive it makes me sick. I hate the fact that Im going home tomorrow and as bad as I want to see a couple of my guy friends like Derek and Ryan,... Im ashamed for them to see me. I know they will look at me and wonder what the hell I did to myself.. why I let myself go. So basically Im not going to see them because of this reason. I am even ashmed for Amy to see me when she picks me up at the airport, I know she says she doesnt care about what I look like and I completely understand but its just knowing that when she sees me she is going to think. . "wow she gained weight" .. even if she doesnt say it aloud.. shes thinking it.. just like Randy will and everyone else.
uhhhgg.
Im sorry. this isnt a pitty fest. Im just venting, because here everyone yells at me when I say things.. but they only know me as .. well this size.. they dont know me .. the real me.. 30 pounds lighter.
And then that fricken Guy... why why do I care what he thinks.. he is so undeserving of anything I have and yet I am concerned on how I will look for him....
Why are we always so desperate for attention... well... we already had this discussion.. I want to be pursued and I want to be captivating to someone..... so when will this happen... I guess I need to be happy with myself first huh? I dont want anyone to love me till I love myself again.. and slowly but surely Im falling out of love with me... physically.
New years resolution :: loose the fat man.
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1 comment:
Hey, you don't know me. But I just read your blog post and I wanted to let you know that I will be praying for you. It is hard, the weight thing and the guy thing. Trust me, I know. God bless you sister.
Candace
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