East to West

Home.. its been a week home...

Home.. what does home mean?

Ive always believe.. 'home isnt where you live.. but where they understand you'...

Who understands?

I havnt done anything wrong.. I have drank, no drugs, no guys.. no parties.
Nothing...

and still my heart feels heavy here.. and wrong.. and broken..

I dont belong here... My heart isnt ready for this..

Im dragging that little girl through hell.. shes tugging on my arm saying '

NO SARAH please come back .. lets go this way!'

tears pouring down her face...

Please.. stop this.

Im so afraid of who I will be when I come here.. no having obligations to Joshua..

What will happen when i do go out with friends and CAN drink.. will I?

Im afraid to say that yes.. I will.

I love it here.. I love ohio... but there are too many memories here now..

My heaven.. has turned to hell..

My escape.. is nothing but wrong decisions.. painful nights and memories.. every street has something to say to me... 'You screwed up here...'

Maybe Randy is right.. maybe its not going to be time to come home after Joshua.. maybe I should go to mexico.. maybe I should sacrafice what I want.. for what God wants..

God doesnt want me to go back to who I was...

The hardest part is seeing Amy.. I love her.. but as far as living together.. shes still in that stage I was in... I was so happy for her to become a christian.. and I thought we would grow together.. but unfortunatley.. we havnt.. My heart is yearning for something bigger.. and shes yearning for right now.. how can I live with someone like that.. Im afraid of who I am and how weak I am.. Ill fall... Ill fall by watching her fall.... i cant let myself fall anymore.

Im afraid God wants me to stay in California.. I dont want to be there.. but its not important what I want... huh?

((I know this blog is all over the place..))

The sad part in all this.. Im forgetting Joshua.. already.. 7 days away.. and Im already loosing my connection there.. Is my heart programmed that way? to just forget.. did I ever let myself grow attatched? Or did I lie to myself... Im a pretty good liar..

I am such a sinner.

Here I am Lord and I'm drowning In your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I don't want to end up where you found me
And it echoes in my mind
Keeps me awake tonight
I know you've cast my sins as far
the East is from the West
And I stand before you now
As though I've never sinned
but today I feel like
I'm just one mistake away
From you leaving me this way
Jesus can you show me
Just how far the East is from the West
Cause I can't bear to see the man I've been
Come rising up in me again
In the arms of your mercy
I find rest
Cause you know just how far the East is from the West
From one scarred hand to the other
I start the day the war begins
Endless reminding of my sin
Time and time again
Your truth Is drowned out by the storm I'm in Today
I feel like I'm just one mistake away
From you leaving me this way
Jesus can you show me
Just how far the East is from the West Cause
I can't bear to see the man I've been
Come rising up in me again
In the arms of your mercy
I find rest
Cause you know just how far the East is from the West
From one scarred hand to the other
I know you've washed me white
Turned my darkness into light
I need your peace to get me through
To get me through this night
I can't live by what I feel
But by the truth your word reveals
I'm not holding on to you
But your holding on to me
Your holding on to me Jesus
you know just how far The East is from the West
I don't have to see the man I've been
Come rising up in me again In the arms of your mercy I find rest (The arms of your mercy I find rest) Cause you know just how far the East is from the West From one scarred hand to the other