Lets Sum it up

Im back.. back in california.. back on the mountain..

I know the last thing I wrote basically said I was misserable and wanted to leave ohio and how much amys friendship was.. well not good right now.

my heart is on overload.. emotion wise

I miss home.. I dont know how to explain this.. but being with Randy and my new wonderful sister in law amy and my new three beautiful neices.. all I want to do right now is jump on a plane and go home.. Christmas. I hated christmas.. for 7 years Ive hated christmas... No mom... no happiness .. no joy.. and no father to hold me up.. yea i hated christmas.. but to wake up christmas morning and see a family sitting by a tree waiting for me to come sit with them to open presents.. felt .. real.. It was a real family.. no anger no secrets no tears.. love.. it was pure love...

As for me and amy.. I have to accept the fact that we are on different pages.. but I should of known this vacation wouldnt be a happy one.. there were alot of things I couldnt let myself do.. I signed a contract.. there are things in my life that I need to stay away from.. but I think this trip really stopped me from even the little things I dont have a problem with.. like drinking.. I dont have a problem with drinking.. I just never want to drink to the point of where I use to.. hmm.. what else? We couldnt do anything... really? It was hard.. but maybe it was just preparing me for when I come home..

Amy is part of my family.. At the wedding.. when we took the family photo.. We told amy to get up there and take it with us... I have to remember that.. family.. I have to remember how Randy felt when he saw me do all those horrible things I did.. and how he still loved me and did what he could to help me.. I have to do that .. I have to learn to be patient with God.. nothing is bigger than God.

Now Im here... I dnot really want to be here like I said.. but Im going to do it.. Im excited to finish up the four months here and see what happens.. how much more has changed within myself...

My dad sent me a birthday card with 250 dollars in it. I cried... wierd huh? I was sad .. I know I asked him for some money.. but in the end... I dont want his money.. I want my dad... thats all I want... I told randy and randy said.. ''Thats his way of trying to be your dad again" .. I know... I get it.. but I just miss him.. the old him.. I miss my dad..

East to West

Home.. its been a week home...

Home.. what does home mean?

Ive always believe.. 'home isnt where you live.. but where they understand you'...

Who understands?

I havnt done anything wrong.. I have drank, no drugs, no guys.. no parties.
Nothing...

and still my heart feels heavy here.. and wrong.. and broken..

I dont belong here... My heart isnt ready for this..

Im dragging that little girl through hell.. shes tugging on my arm saying '

NO SARAH please come back .. lets go this way!'

tears pouring down her face...

Please.. stop this.

Im so afraid of who I will be when I come here.. no having obligations to Joshua..

What will happen when i do go out with friends and CAN drink.. will I?

Im afraid to say that yes.. I will.

I love it here.. I love ohio... but there are too many memories here now..

My heaven.. has turned to hell..

My escape.. is nothing but wrong decisions.. painful nights and memories.. every street has something to say to me... 'You screwed up here...'

Maybe Randy is right.. maybe its not going to be time to come home after Joshua.. maybe I should go to mexico.. maybe I should sacrafice what I want.. for what God wants..

God doesnt want me to go back to who I was...

The hardest part is seeing Amy.. I love her.. but as far as living together.. shes still in that stage I was in... I was so happy for her to become a christian.. and I thought we would grow together.. but unfortunatley.. we havnt.. My heart is yearning for something bigger.. and shes yearning for right now.. how can I live with someone like that.. Im afraid of who I am and how weak I am.. Ill fall... Ill fall by watching her fall.... i cant let myself fall anymore.

Im afraid God wants me to stay in California.. I dont want to be there.. but its not important what I want... huh?

((I know this blog is all over the place..))

The sad part in all this.. Im forgetting Joshua.. already.. 7 days away.. and Im already loosing my connection there.. Is my heart programmed that way? to just forget.. did I ever let myself grow attatched? Or did I lie to myself... Im a pretty good liar..

I am such a sinner.

Here I am Lord and I'm drowning In your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I don't want to end up where you found me
And it echoes in my mind
Keeps me awake tonight
I know you've cast my sins as far
the East is from the West
And I stand before you now
As though I've never sinned
but today I feel like
I'm just one mistake away
From you leaving me this way
Jesus can you show me
Just how far the East is from the West
Cause I can't bear to see the man I've been
Come rising up in me again
In the arms of your mercy
I find rest
Cause you know just how far the East is from the West
From one scarred hand to the other
I start the day the war begins
Endless reminding of my sin
Time and time again
Your truth Is drowned out by the storm I'm in Today
I feel like I'm just one mistake away
From you leaving me this way
Jesus can you show me
Just how far the East is from the West Cause
I can't bear to see the man I've been
Come rising up in me again
In the arms of your mercy
I find rest
Cause you know just how far the East is from the West
From one scarred hand to the other
I know you've washed me white
Turned my darkness into light
I need your peace to get me through
To get me through this night
I can't live by what I feel
But by the truth your word reveals
I'm not holding on to you
But your holding on to me
Your holding on to me Jesus
you know just how far The East is from the West
I don't have to see the man I've been
Come rising up in me again In the arms of your mercy I find rest (The arms of your mercy I find rest) Cause you know just how far the East is from the West From one scarred hand to the other

The Honest Truth

So you want the honest truth on how Im feeling today.. okay well here ya go. IVE GAINED 20 POUNDS since Ive been here at Joshua I hate the way I look and feel so unattractive it makes me sick. I hate the fact that Im going home tomorrow and as bad as I want to see a couple of my guy friends like Derek and Ryan,... Im ashamed for them to see me. I know they will look at me and wonder what the hell I did to myself.. why I let myself go. So basically Im not going to see them because of this reason. I am even ashmed for Amy to see me when she picks me up at the airport, I know she says she doesnt care about what I look like and I completely understand but its just knowing that when she sees me she is going to think. . "wow she gained weight" .. even if she doesnt say it aloud.. shes thinking it.. just like Randy will and everyone else.

uhhhgg.

Im sorry. this isnt a pitty fest. Im just venting, because here everyone yells at me when I say things.. but they only know me as .. well this size.. they dont know me .. the real me.. 30 pounds lighter.

And then that fricken Guy... why why do I care what he thinks.. he is so undeserving of anything I have and yet I am concerned on how I will look for him....

Why are we always so desperate for attention... well... we already had this discussion.. I want to be pursued and I want to be captivating to someone..... so when will this happen... I guess I need to be happy with myself first huh? I dont want anyone to love me till I love myself again.. and slowly but surely Im falling out of love with me... physically.

New years resolution :: loose the fat man.

..Gifts..

So I dont know where to begin, or if there even is anywhere to begin... Nothing impacting has happend and as much as I wish something did.. we all know you dont always get what you want.. what I do know is I get to go home on Friday.. HOME = OHIO... And I am not really all that excited but then again I am. I dont know..

This morning once again there were four people late to breakfast which means.. we get to walk the hill tomorrow at 7 am before breakfast.. The hill is a mile long and icey.. lots of falling for me.. even though I was there on time.. whatever though.

I was reading Captivating this morning and a little tonight also .. I read about how Staci had wanted God to give her a gift like he did for her husband.. He let Jon see a whale.. I know that sounds really wierd but he was alone and He seen a whale jump out of the water and in his heart he knew God did that for him .. so Staci wanted something like that to happen to her and after sitting at the beach for awhile she pretty much knew she wouldnt see a whale, so she started walking away when she all of a sudden seen a bunch of colorful starfish... that was her gift.. God wants us to ask him for things.. and No hes not stupid and he knows We sooo dont deserve anything but he loves us enough to want to give us things. I asked for a gift today.. I didnt get anything.. Well... but thats not a bad thing.. Because in the end I can look behind me right now.. take my eyes off this computer screen and see a few of my friends playing chess, laughing and talking to each other.. and my heart is warmed because well.. thats a beautiful gift .. to have a family of 55 other people who know me... and love me. People who are going to leave marks on my heart forever. So God didnt exactly place a starfish or a whale in front of me.. but theres a gift here.. thats just enough.

Lightbulbs how bright they Shine

Im pretty much summing up three days here..

Friday... not to much happened except class and if anything did happen.. I dont remember.

This weekend I really didnt want to work, I do remember that.. but unfortunately I had to. BUT.. it was by far the best weekend ever. I worked SS. which is support services,.. boring.. sooo boring but I worked with Sabrina and BJ. I guess you could say they made my weekend worth it.. and well I got paid.

It also snowed on Friday which didnt make me to happy.. actually it never does, I just dont like snow and the fact that BJ locked my coat in one of the class rooms didnt make it any better. (I cant get my coat till some time during the week..ehhh), OH and we all got in trouble for people being late to breakfast this week so.. our punishment was to walk the hill 5 times... did I mention it snowed ..haha.. and it was icy and while I was walking I fell a good 4 times... That sucked.. that definitely sucked.

I am beyond excited to go home on Friday, O I am soooo excited, I just want to see Randy!... and the two amys of course, but more importantly my brother. I dont think I have ever realized how much I really love him. I just want him to see me too, to see how I am.. Im not saying that im different because in all honesty im not sure how different I am but I know this trip will tell me.. he will tell me. Besides the fact that Ive gained alot of weight.. depressing. But ... whatever. 5 days.. only five more days and Im on the plane home.

O wait theres more coming to me, I wrote Candice an email this weekend. I guess I let my heart get the best of me but then again.. I dont care at this point. I basically told her I loved her and didnt want to go to heaven without her... but I guess Heaven doesnt really matter to a none believer.... She didnt respond to it well... Which I guess I knew would happened, she wasnt mad she just said the things I didnt want to hear but knew she would say. She has no desire and just doesnt believe theres a God.

Amy.. so lets talk about amy.. My Amy. I just called her and .. I just felt this uneasy feeling .. like she ... not replaced me.. because heck no she couldnt replace me lol but.. well she was a with a guy and I hate that.. honestly I do.. The part thats bothering me is that Im not sure if Im mad that shes talking to a guy when she should be concentrating on her faith and relationship with God.. or if Im mad that shes talking to a guy and not concentrating on me. Her best friend. I guess Im still yearning for that feeling of being needed. of being loved. I knows she loves me and more than anything I know God had his hand over this friendship, he gave me a sister and best friend in him. I deserve nothing and he to bless me. I am selfish as always and want what I have all to myself.. *Light bulb* wow.. okay so heres a theory that just came to me.. I am always so concerned with what shes doing, if shes making the right choices with the right people etc. I always look at her decisions being the in the complete wrong direction of God.. actually I dont even consider God.. I just assume that shes wrong.. and nothing good can come of this.. HOW STUPID OF ME! How do I KNOW WHAT GOD IS DOING! hahaha.. I could laugh and roll on the floor right now about how retarded I can be.. Shes Gods now.. she signed her life over to him this summer... haha.. anything that happens in her life now is Gods doing and in the end has Gods purpose all around it... Every guy, Every stupid guy, Every party, Every mistake, Every smile, every tear, every hardship, every blessing.. etc. Its Gods doing in her life.. not hers. Shes just going along for the ride.. and hopefully will stop trying to take the wheel.. because God sure as heck aint gonna let her. haha.. Amy.. my best friend Amy.. My inspiration in ways.. God loves you so much its unbelievable :).

I learned this week also that even in our mistakes God blesses us. I didnt get it at first till I asked Randy and he said.. he blesses you by disciplining you.. you are blessed because you learn from being disciplined. He gives us grace in every mistake and that alone is a blessing.

Ugly Still Exists

This morning,... This morning was nothing but.. a battle ground for me. I allowed myself to fall short,.. Let me explain, me and Erin(roommate) woke up early to make it to breakfast duty at 6:30am. We get there and everything is going fine, as usual.. We eat breakfast,.. awesome. Then it comes, that kid Mikie, woe is me, Holier than thou.. CRAP! I put up with him.. all the time, I cant stand him honestly but anyways thats beside the point, he got aggravated and heated over me accidentally spraying a table that had already been washer, it turned into a little argument and then him turning into a child and spraying me with the WIZ, so .. I turned around he looked at me, and said "DO IT!", I know he didnt think I would so I walked up to him smiled and SPRAYED! then walked away.. I know I handled it wrongly, but thats not the point right now... let me continue. After breakfast duty is done me and him end up right next to each other walking out of the kitchen doors, I look at him and say "Im sorry I didnt mean to upset you", he looks at me and says "Go Screw yourself".. and slams the door.... As I catch the door I feel old sarah rising up.. Im walking behind him taunting him.. making comments and remarks just to get a rise... finally I catch myself and the fact that people are now looking at us. So I turn into the lobby and walk up the stairs to my room. There I find my roommate and completely let loose, I was pissed and she understood and told me I didnt deserve that and no one deserves that. And then she asked me "remember to pick your stuff up in the bathroom since we have room check"
I snapped, "WE HAVE NEVER GOTTEN IN TROUBLE FOR OUR ROOMS BEING MESSY, FOR THE MOST PART ITS CLEANER THAN OTHER ROOMS I DONT NEED YOUR REMINDER! I DO MY HALF EVERY WEEK"... she turned on her defense button, and tried explaining why she asked, .. I got louder "ERIN IM PISSED AND IM NOT TALKING ABOUT THIS RIGHT NOW".....she looks at me with anger in her eyes... and sadness ... and says "Yea.. Your ALWAYS pissed Sarah!" and walks out..........

I sat down outside our room ... bible in hand.. but couldn't read, and then the thought came. "My father created a monster"... "I have made myself very hard to love.".. Not only did I push buttons with Mikey I was able to extend it to my roommate. It hurt... I saw the coldness in my heart, ... the parts I built huge barbed wire fences around.. the parts that didnt allow me to have compassion in moments of controversy. No understanding.. just the fact that I really dont give a shit.

Lisa: You know, there's to o many buttons in the world.- There's way too many just begging to be pressed,you know? They're just - they're just begging to be pressed, and it makes me wonder, it really makes me fucking wonder, why doesn't anyone ever press mine? Why am I so neglected? Why doesn't anyone reach in and rip out the truth and tell me that I'm a fucking whore, or that my parents wish I were dead?
Susanna: Because you're dead already, Lisa! No one cares if you die, Your heart is cold. That's why you keep coming back here. You're not free. You need this place to feel alive. It's pathetic.

-This also arrived at the time of realizing my flaws, Girl Interrupted.. my favorite movie, .. This part is so vivid in my mind, the scene where Lisa stood and Susanna stood.. The looks on there faces.. I always had a compassion for Lisa, I understood her.. I knew her heart.. but I also understood Susanna.. well maybe not understood her.. I knew why she said that.. I always felt my life could be found in this movie in more ways then one.. and mostly in Lisa and Susanna.. the two main characters but the fact that there hearts were in so many ways like mine. I remember making my Dad take me to see it.. so many parts of that movie made me look at him and wonder if he would get it.. if he would see that scene and hear those words and get my heart.. and I think this scene proved it.. He would never get it.. He ran.. and left his daughter to build this barrier around her heart.. and even though some of the wall is knocked down.. theres some areas where the wall is still sky high.

now I want to explain this to you also... Today wasnt ruined, that was just my morning.. I was able to about a half hour later approach Erin and apologize and explain to her that my heart is still damaged in some areas.. and this is a big one... As for Mikey,.. I well.. :) brushed my shoulders off...

A point in today that lifted my spirits even more was when our speaker Jim Cecy said "God called YOU to be a part of this generation." I never thought about that before, that God wanted me to be born on November 23, 1986,.. God wanted my mother to name me Sarah (story behind that).. God knew I would grow up in this era,.. these times.. Knowing what this life would be like.. He believed in me and placed me here.. because.. well I guess he knew I could handle it.. and hopefully improve my darkness and bring it to light.. and make my days glorifying to him... (One day at a time) I know I have flaws.. and Im sure I will never be a quiet christian.. a civil christian... Im sure Ill get loud and Ill get angry and be open, and some of my old parts will fly up.. And i dont like those parts of me.. and Thank God they dont show up alot these days.. But this is for sure.. Id rather be loud for God.. than silent.

"In the photograph by my bed my father is perpetually smiling on me, I guess I have forgiven us both, although sometimes in the night my dreams will take me back to the sadness, and I have to wake up and forgive us again."

Gossip

"I do not intend to tip toe through life, just to arrive safely at death"

Today hasnt been too exciting, Woke up, went to breakfast, continued where I left off in Genesis.. then went to class.. Then lunch... then sleep... then book discussion.. then boom.. there it is.

Girl talk.

All 25 girls seem to slowly find our way back into the classroom for.. well a "discussion", at first it seemed to be nothing but petty talk and things I just honestly dont give a rip about. Gossip. I know I dont gossip much these days, and Im pretty sure there isnt much gossip going on about me,... so I sat there.. listening.. but also reciting phillipians 2 in my head. Then it hit me.. Its not just about gossip.. its about love.. we dont really love each other here, we love who we choose to love.. Who we are comfortable with.. but what about the others, the ones who are wierd and awkward (to our standars), what about them.. I keep reminding myself Im here because God wants me here.. I was choosen out of 600+ people, but I guess I keep forgetting that everyone else was choosen also.. I know Ive said it.. we all belong here, .. but I dont appreciate the others, ... I dont see why GOD wanted them here.. I dont love them with the love God has for me.. I dont have much love for them at all. Im there, Im kind, sometimes Im hasty but.. Im much more stable then I use to be. I want to love these girls, I want to be a family.. the program is almost over and... Im afraid then when graduation day comes Im going to realize what I missed out on.. because of selfishness.. and pride. The good thing, is Im obviously not the only one. I have to remember that God loves these people... so much. More than I could ever imagine. The love he has for me that I cant even comprehend is the exact love he has for all the others here. I also learned that I cant change the others here,. not just the girls.. but the guys too, I want to be a leader, a light but if I sit here at joshua and try to become that involving everyone else and trying to fix them.. what happens when May comes and there gone and its just me alone.. I wont be ready. So basically what Im saying is that.. The greatest impact I can have on a community.. not just this one.. Is to work within myself. My heart...

The speaker this week (Jim Cecy - Cousin of Al Capone!!) said something today that really .. made me nervous. Us = Joshua students are going to be advanced in a way above others, not saying were better.. but we spent 9 months completely.. in Gods word. In a community devoted to our Lord, our Savior, our work environment is christian, everything is abuot God here at hume.. alot of peole want that but never get it.. and its not just our living situation, we have classes every day, we have church every night.. We have rules and discipline in it all.. I know I wont be perfect, but when its time to go back to the real world , there are things Im going to be ready for.. that others may not be. I guess me writing this doesnt really explain it.. it sounds very cocky. hmmm.. Im growing, my faith is strong,.. and if I plan on leaving Joshua and living a simple life.. Ive missed it. If I leave here and just work a normal job and be the everyday american.. I missed it. I plan on being an impact.. a light.. a leader.. in any and every way God wants me..

"Transforming the life effectiveness of Gods People"

God Will Provide :)

I didnt mention this last time I wrote but Michelles wedding was on Saturday. Im not going to sit here and say it was some extravagant wedding.. it was well.. just a wedding. The only difference is.. it made me want to fall in love.. more than before.. more than lately. Not just fall in love but be captivating to someone to the extent of them wanting to spend their lives with me. I giggled at myself multiple times because it wasnt a depressing thought, it was a happy thought. Because I know God has someone out there for me. Someone waiting also to find me.. to seek me.. to pursue me. Someone is there. :) I heard something very encouraging on the whole issue yesterday during class.. My teacher said that he believes everyone has a soul mate, God has someone special just for us. I mean that would make sense since he took Eve out of Adam and they are pretty much not complete with out each other, and also.. one of the first commandments is.. 'Be Fruitful and multiply',... which we cant do unless were married, since.. well sex is meant for marriage.. which leads to us having someone out there for ourselves. (I know.. sex isnt realy saved for marriage these days.. but.. you get my jist right??) The reason it all clicked, the reason my teacher made it click was because he also included that he believes that there are some people out there who are content with being single and working for God. He said he believes those people.. God has come in and taken that need from them. It was there calling... There content.. I met a man about a month ago named John Alvarado, he was a speaker one week and works in Mexico, he told us how he has a girlfriend, but they arn't eager to marry, he is content working and dedicating his life to God.. Marriage just isnt something he wants or needs. So me having the desire to be married just prooves that God does have someone for me. :) What a nice thought.

Anyways back to the wedding, It was nice to dress up and actually do something outside of working and classes and speakers etc. It was nice to sit and watch someones dreams come true. And most importantly it was nice to finally bust a move :). We got to dance.. which.. I never thought Id care about but .. I loved it.. and it wasnt dancing like.. well.. regular dancing.. it was crazy dancing, the Joshua students took over the dance floor and we were all jumping around like a bunch of monkeys.. maniacs! I looked to the side of me and I could see people just standing there staring I was laughing and didnt care how stupid I looked.. since well.. we all looked pretty stupid.. but I loved it.. God I loved it... If only life could be like this all the time.. after Joshua when its time to go back to society.. back to ohio.. back to reality. Ill never have this kind of a community again.. we are so closely knitted together at this point. I do look forward though to what God has planned after this.. after this minor stepping stone in my life..
Its gotta be good :)

My God will provide, .. I keep trying to remind myself that though.. I have been struggling a tad when it comes to my trip to Israel in April, if it will even by my trip or just the other Joshua students,.. Im afraid money wont come in.. Im afraid that no one will help and .. I will be stuck here at hume for two weeks while everyone else is seeing ... Israel! But I have to remember,... God will provide, I just dont see how God could want me here at Joshua..and make it all possible and not want me in Israel.. the biggest part of the whole program! God will provide. Just gotta keep reminding myself. :)

So this is the begining?

So lately Ive been thinking how up here at the Joshua Wilderness Institute on Mondays we need to have our 'week in review' in by 9 am. I'm a procrastinator, I wait till the last minute to write everything that happened in the last week. Pathetic, and I always remember something I wish I had added but didn't. So don't take this the wrong way, this isn't so much going to be where I type my week in review, its just somewhere I can ' let it out', each day. So when my last minute comes.... I'll at least have some notes.

New Subject::

In 11 days Ill be heading to the airport to fly home to Ohio, I am excited, I am so excited to see my brother, to my family, to my church and my best friend Amy. Amy Amy Amy... All i can say about her is God is amazing.

Now I am excited, but.. I'm at this point in my life where I love Hume California. I love Hume Lake, and I love my Joshua Wilderness family. I never thought this would be, I never thought I would actually grow attaches to people out here. but I am. And to think that in 5 months it will all be over. All of us will head back to our normal lives in different areas of the world. And most likely we will all never be together at the same time again. How sad is that, to wake up and see them, breakfast to classes to basically every minute until you close eyes.. and then it all repeats itself again. It was awkward going to Jaquis house for thanksgiving break (jaqui:fellow Joshua student and great friend). It was a fun vacation but at the same time I was depressed in a way, I had failed and smoked cigarettes that in some way triggered memories inside of me that I didn't want to be there, memories of who I use to be, or who I still am? ... memories of party's, memories of guys, memories of just being stuck (in more ways then one..) I love smoking.. LOVE IT... but not what comes with it. It wasn't only smoking, it was also just being in society, I was uneasy, I was always thinking,.. thinking too much. I realized that I wasn't soaking up my experience at Joshua, .. or at least I felt that way. I thought that I pretty much would fail if I left Joshua now, I would go back to my life in Ohio and just crash and burn, except this time ,... just thinking about it caused me to feel that if I crashed, Id be done. I wouldn't want to try anymore.. Id give up on all of it. It was a struggle.. a big struggle. Then.. Randy wrote me an email and opened my eyes to what I already knew but didn't acknowledge, .. he said "Sarah did you honestly believe that you could erase the past 7 years in just 9 months." HAHA NO!! It relieved me.. and the best part of me realizing it, I was able to help others with this issue, I finally understood that my past is not going to be magically erased, its going to be there for a long time, Joshua is just a stepping stone in my life a small piece that is creating me... a minor fragment, .. but despise how small a piece of time it is, it is very significant. Joshua is building my faith, and most importantly the ground beneath .. my savior. I am becoming more firm in my believes and WHY I believe them, I find myself leaning on God so much more these days, Hes in my morning, my afternoon and my night.. Its odd in a way since I never use to be like this.. and its not like i go OH I should talk to God about this.. I JUST DO IT... okay I feel like Ive strayed..

Guys:: I have a struggle and Ive realized it the past few months, I cave with them and its my greatest weakness, .. not just liking guys, but pursuing it further. I am in the process of healing though and I see my standards growing, but I also see myself falling for someone.. right now.. who... isnt good. Who... well Im trying to not let my intentions fall short, I am trying to just pray for this person and hope God changes his heart, and not just towards me.. actually if God doesnt want his heart changes towards me .. thats totally fine.. but change his heart in his walk with God.. if he even has that.. I like him.. I cant lie... I do. I see potential.. so much... but... I dont think Im the only girl who thinks this.. only difference is these others girls.. are happy in liking him.. me... no... hes rude, inconsiderate, immature, childish, pretty much acts like God is nothing.. and has a past... well... like mine. Soooo.... why do I like him... haha.. because I'm comfortable with him.. because I GET IT.. (according to him).... whatever.. I'm sure this too shall pass.. :)



So.. thats my first blog!