I feel like this last week I have so desperatley wanted to be saved.. so badly I wanted God to fly down here and sweep me off my feet and remind me that I am loved.. because I am so lonely right now, its a wierd lonely... because I have my amazing family and amazing friends.... yet I feel like I am walking around this place alone... I feel like my mind is my biggest enemy and its constantly running and making me question everything. I cried my eyes out at church this morning, ... I couldnt help but worry that Ill never get it right again.. Im so afraid that Ill miss it.... Ill miss Him.
We went out for a little bit last night, .. and I ran into some old friends.. (or thats what I thought they once were) ... I left the place with a smile and felt so good and thought about how I need to hang out with them more.... but when I woke up today it hit me like a ton of bricks.. temporary high. I had fun.. because who doesnt have fun when they WANT to. I convinced myself that last night was a good night... which it was... for a short time and now that its over I look at it and I know that those people really arnt friends and they never were... it just feels good to be paid attention too and its nice to have more then one person to talk to.. It feels good,... but when Im back home.. and Im back in the reality of my life I am still alone. They arnt going to fill any voids in my life .. if anything they would just create more. I am so weak.. I am so weak to let myself follow this world.. to get caught up in my old life.. I dont know.... in the end... Im just lonely.
I miss Joshua, not to the point of living there again or any of that.. I just miss having friends .. tons of christian friends. I miss talking about God and helping each other grow.. I miss feelng safe.. I miss not having to worry about Ohio. Not having to wake up and battle myself everyday. Am I going to do it right today.. or wrong?
My sister in law has said for months I should get involved with the bible studys or groups at NEOchurch... and I keep saying No. I am to scared and weak to want to put myself out there.. and to make new friends.. I dont want new friends.. I dont want anyone different in my life... I just want God..... I know my answer is not the correct answer for not involving myself... but its all I have.
Yesterday it was 8 years since my Mom passed and of course here I am crying saying "I miss you Mom.. so much"... but honestly I dont think I miss her.. I barely remember anything about her.. I dont remember her smell, her walk.. the way she talked.. I dont remember much of anything.. so how can I miss someone I dont even have memories of...?
Its because I so desperatley want someone to be here for me.. always.. and I keep missing her because I want to believe she was the only one who could do that.. My brother has his family and yes he loves me.. but he has other people he has to take care of now... my father... well.... I dont need to go further on that...
Funny how I can say that huh? Because anyone who is christian will say, God is there for you always.... I know... I KNOW... so why is it so hard for me to accept him as my everything.... why is it so hard for me to let him take care of me...
Why ... Why .. why... why cant I just be with him now?
I just want Him here....
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"Its not always that easy to distinguish the good guys from the bad guys, sinners can surprise you and the same is true for saints, why do we try to define people as good or evil? Because no one wants to admit that passion and cruelty can live side by side in one heart and that anyone.. is capable of anything."
I am fairly Agile,..I can bend and not break, or I can break and take it with a smile
"Its not always that easy to distinguish the good guys from the bad guys, sinners can surprise you and the same is true for saints, why do we try to define people as good or evil? Because no one wants to admit that passion and cruelty can live side by side in one heart and that anyone.. is capable of anything."
Blog Archive
Sarah Melissa Bray
- ......... Just little old me .........
- I’m 24 yrs old, I’m a very straight forward person, I can be stubborn and defensive at times,.. but I’m working on it. I live in MASS for the time being.. I am a firm believer in Christ. Although I dont show it much these days. My life has been a pretty insane roller coaster, but I’m not ashamed of it. I love to read and write, and I’m obsessed with quotes :), typical girl I know. I am going to be brutally honest in here,.. I figure the only way to be real is to just let it all out.. so bear with me.
Such Simple Words
"When I get honest, I admit I am a bundle of paradoxes. I believe and I doubt, I hope and get discouraged, I love and I hate, I feel bad.. about feeling good, I feel guilty about not feeling guilty, I am trusting and suspicious, I am honest.. and still play games."
"Do you believe in magic? I never use to.. I mean .. how could I? 14 and your Mom dies, you hope against hope for magic, something to make it all better. It never comes,.. and you look for your father who's unable to overcome all his tragic flaws,.. well no abracadabra there. And there them.. well any magic that was there, that ran out didnt it?!.. But then.. theres HIM.. Thers proof that someone out there is thinking of me.. My friend.. who was with me always.. Its pure Magic."
"Any fool can love somebody whos perfect, somebody who does everything right. But that doesnt stretch your soul.. Your soul only gets stretched when you can still love after they have hurt you."
"He has a plan, a blessed syllabus for your life, and its always charted from the inside out."
"Faith is being sure of what we hope for.. and certain of what we do not see." - Hebrews 11:1
"I used alcohol and drugs to numb the pain of my wounds. And, as so many other young women do whose hearts have been badly missed or intentionally wounded by their fathers, I turned to boys and then to men for love. At least, I convinced myself, I was wanted .. if only for a night."
"We have all fallen, but at the same time we're not broken. There is this hint that we are going to get up again."
"Its not what you are, Its what you dont become that hurts."
"I dont belive in Perfect Love,.. But I do believe that there are people who's lives are inextricable intertwined."
"You can not simply have me, You must seek me,.. pursue me. I wont let you in unless I know you love me."
"Three types of people in this world.. Them that is.. Them that aint.. Them that thinks they is.. but aint." - Ken Graves; Pastor for Maine.
"Do you believe in magic? I never use to.. I mean .. how could I? 14 and your Mom dies, you hope against hope for magic, something to make it all better. It never comes,.. and you look for your father who's unable to overcome all his tragic flaws,.. well no abracadabra there. And there them.. well any magic that was there, that ran out didnt it?!.. But then.. theres HIM.. Thers proof that someone out there is thinking of me.. My friend.. who was with me always.. Its pure Magic."
"Any fool can love somebody whos perfect, somebody who does everything right. But that doesnt stretch your soul.. Your soul only gets stretched when you can still love after they have hurt you."
"He has a plan, a blessed syllabus for your life, and its always charted from the inside out."
"Faith is being sure of what we hope for.. and certain of what we do not see." - Hebrews 11:1
"I used alcohol and drugs to numb the pain of my wounds. And, as so many other young women do whose hearts have been badly missed or intentionally wounded by their fathers, I turned to boys and then to men for love. At least, I convinced myself, I was wanted .. if only for a night."
"We have all fallen, but at the same time we're not broken. There is this hint that we are going to get up again."
"Its not what you are, Its what you dont become that hurts."
"I dont belive in Perfect Love,.. But I do believe that there are people who's lives are inextricable intertwined."
"You can not simply have me, You must seek me,.. pursue me. I wont let you in unless I know you love me."
"Three types of people in this world.. Them that is.. Them that aint.. Them that thinks they is.. but aint." - Ken Graves; Pastor for Maine.
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