I have worked my butt off this last year to stay on top of things, like bills and keeping my job and God knows Ive been working my butt off there.. I have done as much as I could to save money and to take care of the things I need to take care of, I have lost 30 pounds .. I have built up my wardrobe,.. I have spent thousands on new clothes, camera, music, .. etc. I have read books and watched movies .. I have hung out with friends and gone out a few nights.. I have include men back in my life.. and I have made the right decision when I knew they wernt what I wanted.... I have spent time with my neices and my family... I have helped people at my job.. even when its not in my job description.. I have worked hard....
But my relationship with God has died. I have nothing to show .. I have nothing to show to anyone in Joshua that I have taken the step to grow.. yes I attend church.. and I actually found a great church.... but what else have I done..... nothing.
I did exactly the thing I never wanted to do... I looked at Him on his throne in my life.. debated and contemplated... and slowly took him down.... and now that throne is covered in materialistic things and its filled with feelings and actions that had nothing to do with my Father... There is sin in there and disgusting actions.. there is hurtful words laying there.. there are lies and deceit .. and Im afraid its to the point of where I dont think I could ever clear it off enough to allow God back up there.. Im afraid that my doings are so bad and so deeply damaged that it would take a life time to clear them out of the picture..
So what do I do...?
I try... I try with everything I have to forget how much of a sinner I am.. I will try with everything I have to tell myself that I am loved despite the horrendous things I have done.. despite the hurt I enflicted on my God.. that He no longer sees my wrong.. that He REALLY does love me enough to wait while I sort it all out.. and he loves me enough to hold me even when Im kicking and screaming because I want to do it by myself... He loves me enough to know that I may never be where I want to be.... but I will try.. I will try because... I love Him.. Because I know that he has taken my life and shaped it and molded it into something beautiful from something that was so far down the wrong road and torn apart... and its time that I TRY and make this new life I have something honorable to him.
I always used the excuse that Im no where where I use to be.. I dont party, Im not doing drugs, I havnt slipped up with any guys, Im not doing anything i use to do.. and I thought that was enough.. that me not being THAT person anymore meant that I was a GOOD person... I never dreamed that I could still mess up. I really didnt concider the fact that I may do THOSE things right now.. but there are soooo many other things in this life that can cause one to fall off track...
All I know.. All that makes sence in my life IS God... so why not let him take control... because hes honestly and desperatley standing in front of me with his arms stretched out, saying .. "Sarah please let me take it all" ... Why not give it to him... why not try this again... why not do what I did in Joshua and watch his glory unfold again? ... WHY NOT?!
I have allowed the world to consume me.. thats why.. because now my mind is stuck in the ways of the world...
Being a christian is HARD.. HARD HARD HARD.. its constantly a trial... constantly.. theres always something... but I KNOW what its like to hit that trial.. and truly trust God.. its like the trial becomes so small and unimportant when He is in control...
So this is me taking the steps.. the steps to change.. the steps that will lead me right back in my Saviors Loving Arms... and I can not wait! .. I cant wait to have that joy rush through me like it once did....
And if the road I travel means Im going to hit obsticles and trails.. more then usual.. because we all know when you decide to make the change.. the Devil does anything he can to discourage you and ruin your determination... and if that’s the case.. THEN SO BE IT… anything the devils throws in my way.. God will handle that too.
I said you gotta leave, you gotta promise me
It’s the beginning of my end, you gotta promise me
How can a holy God renew a wicked Pharisee
I’m saying I’m like Peter in the boat, so just depart from me
It seems I’m destined for doom like ancient prophesy
And in the dark I’m consumed, it’s just too much for me
With sin in full bloom, my gloom booms by the full moon
And I’m thinking to myself, ‘how can You rescue me?’
You put your hand upon my wound and whispered ‘rest in me’
And there I stepped out of the tomb and into destiny
The rest they say is history
Your grace is such a mystery
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