I know Ive said it before.. 'If I dont go to Israel thats okay. What makes me think God cant work in me here in America.. God isnt in Israel anymore."... Ive said it.. Ive meant it.. so why does it hurt so bad to know Im not going.
My past has crept up to bite me in the butt.. and thats okay. I know my God loves me.. and I know he has plans for me and Israel just isnt part of the equation right now. I know he has swept away my offences and casted my sins as far as the east is from the west.. but this world is far from perfect and life here is nothing but a time passer.
Im not going to Israel. As you know.. I dont have the money.. only 600 dollars.. but thats not whats holding me back. Two years ago I got into some trouble... drinking underage. I went to court and all that.. but I never paid my fine or took my alcohol class. They wanted me in court in October but.. I was here at Joshua. I couldnt take care of it. So they issued a warrant. Because of my warrant (even though the court system knows im in california and will be taking care of it in May when I return to Ohio) My passport will be denied. The money we send will be non refundable. Im not going to Israel.
My heart hurts.. I want to spend those two weeks there.. I want to see what my class mates will see.. I want to experience it with them.. but what I want doesnt matter as this point. God has a plan.. Its just so hard to see past this..
Because of this Im not sure if applying to skyview is a good idea. I dont want them to see that and think Im a bad person.. Im afraid of my past.. and sometimes I think I always will be. I love embracing it.. I love talking about it and letting people know Im not perfect but god is soo forgiving.. but sometimes.. like right now.. I hate it.. I wish it didnt exist I wish I could erase it .. and start over...
I feel like I built Israel and this camp thing up... I feel like my heart leaped for God.. and now Im let down.. was it even God from the begining.. (thats how my mind is working right now) I hate that! I want to Love God all the time.. which I do.. but Im hurt and I dont understand why this hapend.. Its like he tricked me.. but I know God wouldnt do that..
Im sorry I made all those horrible decisions in the past... Im sooo sorry.
Im sorry Candace if you sent your money for me... Im so sorry you did that.. and now Im not going. I appreciate your comments so much and your input and your encouragment.. Im sorry I let you down.
Im so sorry..
(( Im gonig to go read and work out.. ))
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Oh Sarah, dear Sarah,
Let me down? You haven't let me down in any way shape or form... If it is possible, I want you to keep that money to use it as your need requires. I wish I could be up there with you right now and talk to you. God wanted me to send that money and so I did. He knew you would need it for something other than Israel and that is good. Its just money. I am not going to fall away now because "my part" is over. My prayers go with you for as long as my brain will allow me to recall your name and I will keep reading and posting. If you ever need anything just ask. You have my blog link. Remember, where there is life there is Hope. I know you have heard many times "Remember, God loves you." But I want to let you know that as your sister in Christ,
I LOVE YOU,
Candace
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