Im such a girl.. I know

Here we go again with a Sunday night week in review.. I hate doing this.. I wish I had kept up in my blog so I would more interesting things to look back on. But… you cant always get what you want.

So Im going to write about boys… is that okay lol?

As you know from my past entries there is a guy Im interested in.. but I’ve started to see past it.. I’m not in the mood to like someone who isn’t interested in me. We are good friends and I hate to say but that’s most likely all we will ever be.

Do you remember the kid I told you I saw when I was in jail.. Lance. The one I use to hang out with when I lived in Troy. Well wrote him a letter as soon as I got back to Joshua. And well… yesterday I got one back.. 6 pages long!!

I have to admit something.. I expected trash. I expected him to only be thinking about one thing.. if you know what I mean! (even though he was never like that before), I expected his letter to be short, sloppy and not make sense.. None of it was like that. I have never received a letter from a guy that was so jeez professional in a way. He has really good hand writing and his form in writing is awesome.. I understood what he was saying and felt like he was speaking it to me. He didn’t disrespect me at all, he didn’t say anything out of line.. He said the picture I sent him (yes I sent a picture) was beautiful.. not hot .. not sexy … he said beautiful.. and that was it.. he didn’t pursue that part of the letter at all. He just complimented me and moved on with other topics. He was honest. Very honest.. he told me why he was in jail (he didn’t do anything horrible so don’t worry lol).. but he was honest about it.. and he didn’t try to make it sound like he didn’t do anything wrong.. he was very forward with the fact he knew he messed up.

He reminisced on some funny memories we had made back in the day.. and told me the look on my face was priceless when we saw each other in jail lol. He also told me about his plans for life when he gets out. He wrote a lot about how hes made a lot of changes in his life since I seen him.. good changes ( he use to be a very lazy pot head.. and more)

He told me how excited he was to see me and get my letter.. and one of the coolest things he said was “Im glad your doing good.. you were always so much better than all the drama you put up with.” I know a lot of the drama was caused by me.. but Lance was always someone who was there up front .. he listened to me when I was mad and upset and was such a great friend.. I guess I forgot that along the way….

Then.. at the end.. He asked me if when I come to visit him if Id like to go out an see a movie or something with him…. So…. Is that a date? Am I being asked out by a flippin convict… haha.

Don’t worry.. Im still in the Joshua program haha.

I had a few friends read the letter.. and most of them were really impressed with it. My friend Arial told me that she felt I was obligated to now be honest with him. It was my turn to tell him how my life is different now and its all because of God.. sooo.. I wrote him a four page typed letter.. I told him why I came to Joshua.. and through the letter I keep referring to how God has changed my life.. how good he is. I didn’t preach at him or anything.. I just told him how it was for me.. ( he did ask )

Is it bad that Im excited about this.. Im going to be careful obviously and more than anything this is a chance to witness to him.. Im pretty sure God didn’t just put me in Troy and have me sit right next to the kid in jail for no reason… Im excited to have Lance back in my life.. Im excited to see what Gods plans are with this.. and every part.. (DON’T get the wrong idea Im not saying hes the one lol.. friendship… that’s all)

Soo.. Ill keep you posted.

I worked in Hume N Beans this weekend.. a coffee shop.. I flippin loved it. Lol.

babble

I have a few things Id like to write about.. it may be quick because.. well Im about to leave for our Valentines Day Pause Event.. ice skating at the ARK.... hmmmm.

So I was reading in my journal this morning during devo.. the one Ive kept close to my side since Jan 1, 2004.... 4 years ago.. crazy that theres still about half the journal left to fill... I stopped writing in it since.. I wanted to do my blog and concentrate on Week In reviews... anyways.. Its a good thing to read.. but I reailzed.. I wrote alot about guys.. this guy and that guy.... and I have to say Im very proud of my blogs now adays.. since I havnt written about guys... well maybe once or twice.. but my blogs consist of life.. my life.. and God and my struggles and who I am... Its nice and relieving to see not only my out look on life change and my attitude and my relationship with God.. but also... to see my attitude and out look on the God situation has changed.. I asked God in the begining to not give me any one.. that Im not ready and dont want to fall in love until Im in love with God.. and now.. I can honestly say.. Im falling more and more in love with God as the days go by.. he is my BEST friend.. and hasnt left my side once... not even in Jail.. he was with me th whole time.. and I kept my faith and believed he was there with me.... Its amazing to me how I could be soooo gosh... hmmm empty?

so the reason I wrote that is .. probably to give my self permission to talk about a guy... I feel awkward writing about it.. because everything ive ever written about a guy.. I look back and laugh at myself.. "I really thought I loved him." "I miss him." or the best one.. "HES THE ONE"... so I dont want to embaress myself anymore than I have... but... there is someone who catches my eye these days... more than likely Ill leave Joshua and wont talk to him.. or at least.. Ill move on.. (theres more fish in the sea).. but right now.. while Im here in the moment.. hes alot like someone I would want in a spouse.. He has good characteristics.... Hes funny and nice and sarcastic.. in a really good way.. he has a good family back ground.. hes open and loving and compassionate.. and most importantly and all that matters is he Loves God.

I dont like asking God for this .. I dont like being.. "Hey God thats who I want." So I sometimes will say I really like him... but for the most part.. I just want someone whos like that... Someone with those characteristics.. I never want to lower myself to what I was before.. to the guys I had before.. I never want to feel used and worthless... I want someone who is.. God fearing.. God loving.. and is more in love with God than me... thats what I want..

Its hard... Im afraid of going home and not having people like this in my life... I know there are ways to find good christian friends and maybe potentially meet a good christian guy.. but at the same time. I like what I have here.. and almost selfishly dont want to give it up....

So off the whole guy subject... I havnt talked to my Dad since the day I got out of jail... He was happy I got out and happy I was okay and everything worked out.. and all in all happy for me... so why.. WHY does he keep things from me.. everytime I talk to him I ask him.. "How is everyone.. Hows Grandpa" .. and he says. "Fine"... so why.. WHY hasnt he told me that gramps has cancer (not that im crazy upset about it.. im not close with him.. but close enough)... its just the common courtesy.. thats my family too and Id like to know these things.. my Dads done this for years.. He doesnt talk... he waits till its all in the open than acknowledges it.. so what am I suppose to wait till Gramps dies to find out he had cancer.. and wish I had known before so I could talk to him...

Okay Im just getting sappy and thats dumb.

My birth certificate hasnt come in yet... it sucks but... If God wants me in Israel.. Ill be there... and I have to remember.. in the end all that matters is God.. nothing on this earth compares.. no home, no friends, no family.. no cool car, no nice clothes, the perfect weight.. the perfect guy... (sighs).. good schooling, good home, nice room, cool things.. nothing.. absolutley NOTHING matters.. not my writings not this blog.. not Israel.. not Joshua.. just God... I love him.. I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM!!! and I trust him with my life...

Our God is an Awsome God

So, Monday Rich came to the Joshua building which was a big relief for me.. I needed to talk, I needed to figure out what I was going to do and unlike some of the staff I knew hed give me the right answers.

I went to his office and told him "I want to go to Israel"..

Well come to find out.. that money wasnt Michelles.. it was his.. and he wants me to pay him back.. which I def. will and he wants me to take the money I have and go get my passport.

ISRAEL STILL MIGHT HAPPEN!

I dont understand it.. Its crazy to me what God has done.. how I prayed Friday night walking up that hill for God to let me stay in Joshua and to let me go to Israel .. I didnt think Israel would happen.. but I asked anyways.. because God wants to know my wants... I WANT to go to Israel..

Im just so overwhelmed and happy.. and excited to see what God is going to do.. now all I need to do is get my birth certificate and head down to Fresno and get my apply for my passport.. People are going down Thursday so Im praying that Ill get the birth certificate tomorrow. hmmm.

Sad note : So I lost 10 pounds.. and gained 5 of it back.. grrr.. and somehow feel bigger than before... I hate that feeling.. hate it... grrrrrr.... hmm but then again if I didnt get these feelings I would be determined to loose it.

Update!!!

So I flew home on Sunday.. got there about 1 am Monday.. It was nice waking up to my nieces and having them sit next to me on the couch .. It was nice knowing I was somewhere that I was loved. Me and Amy (my sister in law) jumped in the focus around 10 and took off on our three hour drive to Troy. I was really nervous but.. I played it off pretty well haha. I started to really believe Randy and Amy that I wouldn’t get in a lot of trouble and wouldn’t do jail time.. well.. big surprise when I got there.

I turned myself into probation, they told me to wait in the hall way outside.. then I heard them call my name.. next thing I know Im in cuffs.. the judge couldn’t see me so because I was a flight risk I had to go to jail till the judge could see me the next day.

It sucked… It sucked now knowing anything, not being able to talk to my sister in law.. just being escorted past her while she sits in a court house in a town she had never been too… When I was being booked I got to get naked in front a lady cop.. then had to take a shower and put there wonderful jail outfits on with the ugly shoes.. my hair was a mess and no make up… (not that I hadn’t done that before. WILDWOOD and Canada) … I got to stay in what they call ‘The pent house’ cell.. It was huge.. about 12 girls.. two rooms connected three bathrooms and a shower and a TV (not that I watched it lol). The girls were.. well nice.. but some you could tell had been doing a lot of drugs .. one was pregnant and the other were older woman… All they talked about what getting out.. when and how they might get out sooner and men.. men men men. It was pathetic and sad.. They actually had church but I didn’t go.. I couldn’t.. not that I was refusing God or anything like that.. but I really just wanted to spend my own time with God.. I prayed a lot and all in all I still loved him and wasn’t mad at him at all for putting me in this situation.. I loved him almost more.. J Sleeping was hard.. it was hard when the toilets are open to the public and the flush is soo loud the whole building I swear can hear it.. and the girls stayed up really late.. So when breakfast at 530 am happened I was beat… Then around 730 am.. they called me out to go to court.. I really thought I was out of there… grrr…

I went with this other girl down to the Rec. room. (a cement room with two medal benches along the walls a desk and the tv and video camera were you go before the judge on camera).. I sat down and then another girl and guy came in.. then while talking to my public defender.. I hear two more guys come in.. when I go to sit down this guy is sitting next to where I was sitting.. I don’t look at him and then I hear.. “Why the hell are you here.” WEIRD.. I look and its this kid Lance who I use to love … lol.. I knew him when he was 16 and he use to just hang out at my apt. randomly.. I loved the kid he was so sweet and nice and respectful… now hes in jail.. it was cool though because I always wondered what happened to him.. I got his address and am going to keep in touch with him.

Now Im on camera in front of the judge.. he is nothing but nice to me but doesn’t know enough info to let me go and give me a punishment.. so now im back in that stupid cell. He set a bond for 5000 at 10 percent (500 dollars).. around 12 I wake up to someone telling me to pack up. I leave .. finally!! I see Amy and we go eat and talk.. I have court at one.. I don’t get to see the judge face to face till 230. When I do.. it was weird.. he asked me a lot of questions about Joshua and if it changed me and about Israel.. after saying he was going to give me fines (over 2000 dollars) and that if its not paid that day Ill have to do jail time.. and then going silent.. he says.. “Im not giving you any fines.. just your court fees.. that just has to be paid today and you can go.” .. HE LET ME OFF.. Amy and Randy paid 314 dollars for my court fees.. and that’s it.. no probation.. not jail time.. not FINES! God IS AWSOME! I love him.. I love him more than anything in this world.. he is my BEST FRIEND.. its crazy.. because even talking to my close friends.. Amy, Candice and Krista… in the end.. God is all I need.. I love them. But its different now. They arnt my center..

I went back home for the rest of week and it was so nice to be with family… and see Amy and Krista ( she came home for the week from Germany so visit before Ryan goes to Iraq for 15 months).. it was awesome seeing here.. it was even cooler when she told me she was moving back to Copley in April while Ryans in Iraq.. God is soo good.. Hes giving me good friends to be with… To have when I come home.. Im so excited I love her so much.. and I cant wait to have her back in my every day life… Ive missed her so much..

Hmmm… Im ready for Joshua to be over though.. I love it but Im so excited to go home and have a family .. and a new life.. That is so given to me by God..

Hmmm.. John Fleming just told me he would have been so sad if I left.. the other people that left he didn’t really care but me… he said he would of hated it.. I love that.. how Im loved here… I know the other people who left were too but.. they were really quite and didn’t initiate relationships with people… anyways.. its just nice to be home and have people miss me. Joshua 07-08 class is my family.

Headin' Home

So tomorrow morning around 8 am Jake and Dan will be giving me a ride to the Fresno Airport... its come down to me going home to take care of this issue. If I dont I would be let go from Joshua. Its tough.. moneys tough.. all of its tough. I signed a contract with Michelle to pay her back 470 dollar for the plane ticket since me or my family had no money to get the ticket and pay tuition on Feb 15.

I am nervous.. Im not sure what God has planned .. Im nervous about standing in front of a judge, Im scared of not coming back here and having to live in Ohio again.. Im scared not knowing that this could be my last day in this building.. my home for the past 6 months... Im scared of it all.. but at the same time.. Im excited to go home, Im excited to see my brother and my family.. Im excited to see Amy. Im excited to see Krista and just see my car and the new house and.. my church and my family there.. Im excited to just be off this mountain and home.

Ill be in ohio tomorrow night at 11 30. And the next morning driving three hours to Troy with my sister in law amy to take care of this.. hopefully...

Hope

more info

Things are getting harder.. because of this issue back home.. Hume coule come back and say I cant work here.. which would mean I cant finish Joshua unless I clear this up back home in Ohio... I have no money.. I have nothing... my brother has nothing..

I asked God for contentment and he gave it to me.. and in a way I feel like this is a dream.. theres no way I could leave Joshua.. no way. But.. I could.

I came home last night around 11 30 and Erin was re organizing the room.. we had a pretty good laugh trying to get this huge box up into our loft.. woke a couple of the boys up down the hall in there room.. I needed to laugh.

I finally told her about me having to possibly leave Joshua because of the issue back home.. She didnt understand and she kept asking me if there was anything we could do.. We finally fell asleep.

The next morning we woke up and just talked about this and that and then she tells me. "Ive already raised 40 dollar for your plane ticket home." I wanted to cry.. but couldnt... I feel selfish in a way.. like Id expect this from her... I dont want to feel like that.. I want appreciation. I wish I knew what God wanted right now.. I wish hed fall out of the big blue sky stand in front me and yell the words "SARAH I WANT YOU TO..."

Candace : Thank you so much for offering that money if there is anyway I can get Rich to let me use it for a plane ticket that would be amazing but im not sure how that will work. but thank you for everything.. Thank you