2nd Entry of the Day

Its late Friday.. about 7:30,… I got back up to the Joshua building after eating dinner, got online for awhile.. then went.. sat in the great room.. got bored there.. then decided.. hmm Ill read. Grabbed my book . ‘captivating’, grabbed my blanket and set out for the library, moved the chair close to the electric fire and plopped myself down…

I love this book, at times it can awaken so much emotion in me its ridiculous. Like this morning, I was reading and read this part that says

“Do not throw your pearls to the pigs”, Matt 7:6, Look be careful that you do not give something precious to someone who at best cannot recognize its beauty, or at worst will trample on it.”

This really struck me, How precious I am and how much God loves me.. It also made me think of Amy… I set out for the computer.. sat myself down.. said a prayer.. and began to write. I poured my heart out to her… afraid but hopeful that Gods hand was there while I typed. I included this verse at the end.. on how precious she is to me .. my family and more importantly to God… I called her later.. told her to check it.. she said in a giggle “Ill probably be mad about it since you said ‘remember I love you’” she knew it was something real.. what I didn’t expect was her to write me a similar intimate letter back.. she understood me and we were able to talk.. to really talk.. I couldn’t help but smile. At how through God I got to her.. I know she isn’t where I am.. but I do know where she is.. and how she is feeling.. Shes torn between two lives… she knows what she needs to do.. and wants to.. but isn’t quite ready to let her old life go… I use to be there I know… so…

So this time.. while sitting and reading about how Stasi (author) had a distant relationship with her mother, how she felt she was never good enough for her mom.. So she stayed in the distance, began doing drugs .. etc…. when she finally gave her life to the Lord.. she realized how much her mother had hurt her.. but not only that.. how much she hurt her mom.. she wasn’t the only one who felt they wernt good enough .. her mom didn’t feel good enough either.. her daughter .. was distant from her all her life.. while reading this.. well I obviously couldn’t think of my mom.. Since.. she went to heaven before I could even hit the stage of even beginning to have a bad relationship with her.. but I did think about my Dad.. my chin quivered a few times.. I wondered if I should call him… tell him I love him.. then decided to just keep reading.. finally at the end of the chapter, Stasi talked about her last days with her mom.. then said ‘If you still have your mom.. call her.. tell her you love her.”… I jumped up.. ran to the phone.. knowing its about 1030 there.. called my Dad… Hearing his voice.. makes me miss him even more… but I told him.. I told him I called because I missed him and loved him.. he told me I could call anytime and tell him that.. you could tell he tried to act macho.. macho dad.. the hero.. telling me he is happy with what im doing and that hes happy that im happy… we talked a little bit… then when we said goodbye.. he said goodbye last … and I swear.. Im 99 percent sure… his voice cracked… (((he misses me too..))) I hung up and balled… even telling him doesn’t completely satisfy the need I have for him.. theres a barrier there.. a wall neither one of us can get over… so we hurt… and we cry.. and we get stubborn...

“It is one thing to suffer. It is something far worse to walk alongside one you love who is suffering intensely and be unable to do anything about it.”

…. You think its hard missing me.. Imagine what its like.. me missing you …..