I have a few things Id like to write about.. it may be quick because.. well Im about to leave for our Valentines Day Pause Event.. ice skating at the ARK.... hmmmm.
So I was reading in my journal this morning during devo.. the one Ive kept close to my side since Jan 1, 2004.... 4 years ago.. crazy that theres still about half the journal left to fill... I stopped writing in it since.. I wanted to do my blog and concentrate on Week In reviews... anyways.. Its a good thing to read.. but I reailzed.. I wrote alot about guys.. this guy and that guy.... and I have to say Im very proud of my blogs now adays.. since I havnt written about guys... well maybe once or twice.. but my blogs consist of life.. my life.. and God and my struggles and who I am... Its nice and relieving to see not only my out look on life change and my attitude and my relationship with God.. but also... to see my attitude and out look on the God situation has changed.. I asked God in the begining to not give me any one.. that Im not ready and dont want to fall in love until Im in love with God.. and now.. I can honestly say.. Im falling more and more in love with God as the days go by.. he is my BEST friend.. and hasnt left my side once... not even in Jail.. he was with me th whole time.. and I kept my faith and believed he was there with me.... Its amazing to me how I could be soooo gosh... hmmm empty?
so the reason I wrote that is .. probably to give my self permission to talk about a guy... I feel awkward writing about it.. because everything ive ever written about a guy.. I look back and laugh at myself.. "I really thought I loved him." "I miss him." or the best one.. "HES THE ONE"... so I dont want to embaress myself anymore than I have... but... there is someone who catches my eye these days... more than likely Ill leave Joshua and wont talk to him.. or at least.. Ill move on.. (theres more fish in the sea).. but right now.. while Im here in the moment.. hes alot like someone I would want in a spouse.. He has good characteristics.... Hes funny and nice and sarcastic.. in a really good way.. he has a good family back ground.. hes open and loving and compassionate.. and most importantly and all that matters is he Loves God.
I dont like asking God for this .. I dont like being.. "Hey God thats who I want." So I sometimes will say I really like him... but for the most part.. I just want someone whos like that... Someone with those characteristics.. I never want to lower myself to what I was before.. to the guys I had before.. I never want to feel used and worthless... I want someone who is.. God fearing.. God loving.. and is more in love with God than me... thats what I want..
Its hard... Im afraid of going home and not having people like this in my life... I know there are ways to find good christian friends and maybe potentially meet a good christian guy.. but at the same time. I like what I have here.. and almost selfishly dont want to give it up....
So off the whole guy subject... I havnt talked to my Dad since the day I got out of jail... He was happy I got out and happy I was okay and everything worked out.. and all in all happy for me... so why.. WHY does he keep things from me.. everytime I talk to him I ask him.. "How is everyone.. Hows Grandpa" .. and he says. "Fine"... so why.. WHY hasnt he told me that gramps has cancer (not that im crazy upset about it.. im not close with him.. but close enough)... its just the common courtesy.. thats my family too and Id like to know these things.. my Dads done this for years.. He doesnt talk... he waits till its all in the open than acknowledges it.. so what am I suppose to wait till Gramps dies to find out he had cancer.. and wish I had known before so I could talk to him...
Okay Im just getting sappy and thats dumb.
My birth certificate hasnt come in yet... it sucks but... If God wants me in Israel.. Ill be there... and I have to remember.. in the end all that matters is God.. nothing on this earth compares.. no home, no friends, no family.. no cool car, no nice clothes, the perfect weight.. the perfect guy... (sighs).. good schooling, good home, nice room, cool things.. nothing.. absolutley NOTHING matters.. not my writings not this blog.. not Israel.. not Joshua.. just God... I love him.. I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM!!! and I trust him with my life...
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"Its not always that easy to distinguish the good guys from the bad guys, sinners can surprise you and the same is true for saints, why do we try to define people as good or evil? Because no one wants to admit that passion and cruelty can live side by side in one heart and that anyone.. is capable of anything."
I am fairly Agile,..I can bend and not break, or I can break and take it with a smile
"Its not always that easy to distinguish the good guys from the bad guys, sinners can surprise you and the same is true for saints, why do we try to define people as good or evil? Because no one wants to admit that passion and cruelty can live side by side in one heart and that anyone.. is capable of anything."
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Sarah Melissa Bray
- ......... Just little old me .........
- I’m 24 yrs old, I’m a very straight forward person, I can be stubborn and defensive at times,.. but I’m working on it. I live in MASS for the time being.. I am a firm believer in Christ. Although I dont show it much these days. My life has been a pretty insane roller coaster, but I’m not ashamed of it. I love to read and write, and I’m obsessed with quotes :), typical girl I know. I am going to be brutally honest in here,.. I figure the only way to be real is to just let it all out.. so bear with me.
Such Simple Words
"When I get honest, I admit I am a bundle of paradoxes. I believe and I doubt, I hope and get discouraged, I love and I hate, I feel bad.. about feeling good, I feel guilty about not feeling guilty, I am trusting and suspicious, I am honest.. and still play games."
"Do you believe in magic? I never use to.. I mean .. how could I? 14 and your Mom dies, you hope against hope for magic, something to make it all better. It never comes,.. and you look for your father who's unable to overcome all his tragic flaws,.. well no abracadabra there. And there them.. well any magic that was there, that ran out didnt it?!.. But then.. theres HIM.. Thers proof that someone out there is thinking of me.. My friend.. who was with me always.. Its pure Magic."
"Any fool can love somebody whos perfect, somebody who does everything right. But that doesnt stretch your soul.. Your soul only gets stretched when you can still love after they have hurt you."
"He has a plan, a blessed syllabus for your life, and its always charted from the inside out."
"Faith is being sure of what we hope for.. and certain of what we do not see." - Hebrews 11:1
"I used alcohol and drugs to numb the pain of my wounds. And, as so many other young women do whose hearts have been badly missed or intentionally wounded by their fathers, I turned to boys and then to men for love. At least, I convinced myself, I was wanted .. if only for a night."
"We have all fallen, but at the same time we're not broken. There is this hint that we are going to get up again."
"Its not what you are, Its what you dont become that hurts."
"I dont belive in Perfect Love,.. But I do believe that there are people who's lives are inextricable intertwined."
"You can not simply have me, You must seek me,.. pursue me. I wont let you in unless I know you love me."
"Three types of people in this world.. Them that is.. Them that aint.. Them that thinks they is.. but aint." - Ken Graves; Pastor for Maine.
"Do you believe in magic? I never use to.. I mean .. how could I? 14 and your Mom dies, you hope against hope for magic, something to make it all better. It never comes,.. and you look for your father who's unable to overcome all his tragic flaws,.. well no abracadabra there. And there them.. well any magic that was there, that ran out didnt it?!.. But then.. theres HIM.. Thers proof that someone out there is thinking of me.. My friend.. who was with me always.. Its pure Magic."
"Any fool can love somebody whos perfect, somebody who does everything right. But that doesnt stretch your soul.. Your soul only gets stretched when you can still love after they have hurt you."
"He has a plan, a blessed syllabus for your life, and its always charted from the inside out."
"Faith is being sure of what we hope for.. and certain of what we do not see." - Hebrews 11:1
"I used alcohol and drugs to numb the pain of my wounds. And, as so many other young women do whose hearts have been badly missed or intentionally wounded by their fathers, I turned to boys and then to men for love. At least, I convinced myself, I was wanted .. if only for a night."
"We have all fallen, but at the same time we're not broken. There is this hint that we are going to get up again."
"Its not what you are, Its what you dont become that hurts."
"I dont belive in Perfect Love,.. But I do believe that there are people who's lives are inextricable intertwined."
"You can not simply have me, You must seek me,.. pursue me. I wont let you in unless I know you love me."
"Three types of people in this world.. Them that is.. Them that aint.. Them that thinks they is.. but aint." - Ken Graves; Pastor for Maine.
2 comments:
Sarah, Sarah, Sarah.... you are too funny. And smart :)
So here is the news... we managed to pay your entire tuition payment due today. All $600.00. And you're last payment in April will be covered by your tax return. No more worries about making to graduation.
Now it's time for Isreal to enter the picture.... Randy and I really think you will end up going. And when that happens we will all have witnessed something not so short of a miracle! :)
I'm proud of you... you've done and are continuing to do so well. It'll be great to have you home soon!
Thanks for blessing me Sarah. Thanks for writing what you write.
Thanks for being so transparent with your struggles.
Thanks for being beautiful you.
You are becoming the wise woman you have been wanting to meet.
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